When I experience internal turbulance...

...I do the following:

Sit alone, in the dark.
In silence or with soft Aya music.
I place a sheet of paper in front of me and I take two pencils.
One pencil in each hand.
I place them on the paper and I consider the paper to be my body.

I look 'inside' and I draw freely the sensations of my body.

Resulting in this:

You didn't expect anything spectacular, did you?

You will try to escape this excesise.
You'll start yawning and call it boring.
You'll start thinking about more 'important' things.
Etc...

Good luck and enjoy the 'scanning'
<3

Microdosing MAOI

Yes,  we are at it again...

The visuals came pretty quickly and I felt drawn into the depths of clarity, peace and love.

Only for just a moment...

Then I came back to this reality.
Ready for a good night's sleep.

Suddenly I wake up, not realising what time it is.
I have one urge: to get out of bed and go have my Lions Mane supplements. 
My mind goes "nah..." bit I'm curious so I check the time.

"Fine" I tell myself and walk down stairs...

San Pedro #1

The drink is thick green slime tasting like spices, feels like a brick on the empty stomach.

I saw a minimum if visuals. Gold and blue sparks. A silk blanket with greenish patterns.
The girl next to me, started weeping and crying. That's when I saw  black-burned mutilated face. The lips looked as if they were cut away and the bloody gums shown.
The eyes and skin were black as if burned. The pain of this creature was immense.

The 8 member group was loud and distracted me from 'myself'.
With the help of guide Mamon, I go to balance my focus back on me. I experienced absolute isolation where nothing could penetrate my shield.

Later, the group started singing. I joined them and by song 4 I feel my gut protesting and finally after 8 hours of struggle, I purge.

No bliss.
No warm loving feeling.
No spectacular visuals.

When she draws your visions...

...better than you see them yourself.

Thank you my Love <3

A year ago...

...we started our Ayahuasca journey.

Gratitude to my partner in crime, Anna.
Gratitude to the Mother.
Gratitude to the fascilitators, to the Sjamaans, to the new friends.
 
Sorry, we are still normal.

Funny how exactly on this weekend, we planned our first Huachuma ceremony while the Full Moon is in (our) Gemini.

After 1 year of focussing inwards with Aya, the Huachuma will take us outwards.

BTW: We had our first home coocked meat based meal in months and it was delicious!

Microdosing MAOI: On hold...

...due to the preparation for our Huachuma ceremony.

To be contnued...

Microdosing MAOI: day 5

I woke up yesterday hearing Anna falling down the stairs. 
Again...
The fear and panic got me so angry it took me the whole day to calm down.
Around 9pm I fell asleep but I woke up at 11pm and took a shot MAOI.
Immediately I got confronted with the pain and sorrow.
I was squeezing every tear out of my body.
No dreams.
No visuals.
Just the feeling of relief...

Microdosing MAOI: day 4

Diet: check.
Gym: check.
Empty stomach: check.
30ml MAOI: check (with some gagging resistance)

I went to bed around 10pm and woke up at 3am with only 1 desire: to get my protein shake!
While I got dressed, I saw colorful flashes around the edges of my visual.
 I drank the shake and immediately I was sent to the toilet for a N°2
I remember thinking; "Just like a baby: eating, shitting, sleeping, repeat..."

When I got back to my bed I got the visual of a metalic scroll being rolled out.
On that grey surface were written golden symbols.
"If you think I can decode, remember or even pass this information on, you are making a big mistake." I remember saying this. :)

Later the veil of peacock-like feathers with eyes appeared.
All this while I focus on my belly.
Where is that pain I was used to?
Where is this fear?
Then I realized I never felt so safe as I do now. Nothing threatens me. Except, I am my own biggest threat. I hold this horrible potion up to my lips! :)

I'll be honest, today at this point, I am exhausted.
No gym today. I need a break. :)
<3

Microdosing MAOI: day 3

Well, Goodmorning!
Went to bed on an empty stomach and 30ml MAOI.
First, two black shades swift from my right side.
Then I saw the image of this leopard.

I remembered the clip.
But what followed was no memory that I know of
I saw a big tiger.
Then I saw that black and white dog again. This was accompanied by an emotion hitting me in the belly.

After that I remember lying awake feeling my whole body tintling while focusing on my pain-of-disgust in my belly.

I had to keep my focus on my belly because every time my mind drifted of, I would get nauseous. It felt as if a little boy didn't want to be left alone.

After that I fell in a deep sleep and woke up at 4am. :)
So I got up, got me a protein shake with almond milk and settled in the couch, listening to a meditation guided clip.

Bliss :)

Microdosing MAOI: day 2

Yesterday was a hectic day.
I took the day off.
We went to gym and had a looooooong sauna around 3pm till 4:30pm, then we ate (too much) and I even drank a veggie protein shake, then we went for a dance workshop and when we returned we did a "DMT" breathing excercise.

Needless to say, I was exhausted after all that...
I drank 20ml MOAI and went to bed.
I slept like a baby.
No dreams.
At all.

Microdosing MAOI: day 1

Yesterday, I drove all the way to Amsterdam just to get 0.5l of MAOI.
And ofcourse to see and chat with my friend Bas.

I felt like I needed to experience the MAOI and just the MAOI.
I have associated this thee with pure disgust and horror.
I would like to get over that fear.

I can't seem to do it by attending to the ceremonies.
I need more time.
Also, I'd like to drink it just before going to sleep so my own DMT would get a chance to manifest to me.

So, Bas hands me over the little bottle filled with brown smudge and I instantly start gagging.
That's how much I L O V E this stuff.

So I had my last meal around 3pm and around 9pm I set myself up for a little trip.
Dimmed the lights, lit a candle and stated my intention to make space for my own DMT and dreams.
Pouring about 15ml of MOAI in a little glass and smelling the foul stench got me gagging all over again.

I held the glass close to me.
Tried over and over again to smell it.
To accept it.
I started distinguishing the smell of chocolate which gave me courage to continue.
After 30 minutes of negotiating and protesting I pour the little drink in my mouth and swallow it.
Pure horror.
I'm in tears, but it gets better.
After about 30min I feel tired and lay down.
That's when the first visual appears: A gray-green alien, just like in the movies, is watching me.
This quickly make place for a playful scene where kids and a black dog are playing.
I feel fear.
Lonelyness.
I fall asleep.

This morning, right before breakfast, I take a sniff of the bottle with MAOI.
My stomach turns upside down.
The expression "I hate your guts." flashes through my mind.
"I hate MY guts."
That's what I have learned to do a child when it comes to treating myself.
I HATE MY OWN GUTS!

Have you seen my...elephant?

Ever since my ayahuasca experience on 20th October, with Sjamaan Cesar, I've been witnessing elephants all over the place!
Cesar could not place any specific meaning to the Elephant since it is not of the South American jungle.

So, on our last 2day-retreat in Amsterdam, this elephant kept showing up in all kinds of forms and shapes.
Every time I would reach the point of purging, it's majestic presence would look me straight in the eye and...calm me down.

Here is my painting of one of them:

 

Drinking tea on the last day of fasting.

This ritual suddenly reminded me of the horrable smell of the purge.
So, I stopped drinking tea.

Just warm water will do, thank you. :)

Smoke, with intention.

Came back from the gym.
Feeling pumped.

Setup the argile with a bit of apple tobacco and filled it with Amnesia.
While waiting for the weed to heat, I take a drop of Saranga in each eye.
Oh. The. Burn....

I grab the pipe and start inhaling with only 1 intention: "Get to know the plants I am smoking...."

It hits hard and gives me a vivid visual of...a frog.
You know, the poisonous type.
Climbing a tree.

And another one! And another one!

I feel like Im watching a documentary on Nation Geographic.

Don't ask for healing.

Rather, pray for your inner pain to be revealed to you.

<3

Smoke DMT they said...

...it will be fun they said.

Boy were they right! :D :D :D

First hit was light and a bit of a burning sensation because the filter came loose.
But.
The second hit, after inhaling slow and deep, holding it as long as possible, sent me straight to DMT land.

I underwent exactly what McKenna described: "Death by astonishment!"
I completely froze holding the pipe in both hands.
I opened my eyes and saw everything in 2D.
That's when I placed my hands on my face and I saw my two arms and torso form a whirlpool of bright red gold colors, merging and re-emerging bringing me joy and even, in a split of a second, deep grief.
All I could say was "Thank you!" and everything erupted in a bright orange flood of pure Love.

That's when I had to put my head on a pillow.
This submerged me into a crystal bubble, disconnecting all outside impulses from my emotions.
Nothing could touch me.
I could hear voices and feel the touches on my skin but nothing came thru the bubble.
My emotions were safe.
Meanwhile, I got to see what I can only describe as "the veil of Love".
Waving over me like in the softest summer breeze.
Blue and light green gray colored.
With the outlines of an elephant, a monkey and a lion.
And elements of sacred geometry.
Total bliss.

Seconds later I find myself traveling back to this reality.
Passing all the stages I usually pass with Ayahuasca but instead of hours, this takes seconds.
Emotions kick back in: Fear, Love, Anger, Sadness, Joy...
I rush through the state of the Beast; For a moment I thought I might get stuck in that state but.
Seconds later I'm at the table, telling exactly this story to my cosmic family.

<3

Ayahuasca #10

...but who's counting...

We started with a very nice simple breathing meditation, powerfully guided by Bas.
This awareness of my breath helped me a lot in this ceremony.

I decided on my intention just before the potions were served.
I would focus on the plants.
Not on me or my problems...
"Commit to understand, feel and appreciate the plants so I can respect them on a deeper level;"
And down goes the MAOI and the DMT.
Horrible taste.
It's been 3 months since my last drink so this hurts and I break down in tears immediately.

Kept my focus on the breath and the will to examine the plants.
Apparently, this is much appreciated by the spirits.
As long as I was communicating with the plants inside me, I got rewarded with a feeling of unity, love and beautiful red and gold patterns.
The moment I let myself be distracted, the dizziness and nausea would kick in, indicating me to re-focus!
So I did, over and over again, in great frustration of Bas and Mo.
Their drumming didn't stir the beast inside me. :) :) :) Sorry guys!

I kept this jungle poison inside me for 2 whole ours until the question for the second potion came up.
I gathered my ego and flushed it down my throat in a hideous way...the purging was immediate and violent.

After one hour, I asked for another round.
This shot made me playful as if the plant allowed me to have some fun.
So I started playing with my mediation pillow. Holding it up in the air with my feet.
That's when the biggest reward was received: My spine cracked into place and relieved me from a stubborn pain. My hip bones also popped into place reducing friction and pain.

Such. A. Relief.

Extra thanks to Bas, Mo and Patrick especially for using the Agua di Florida on my most difficult moments.

The way the non-material embraces us.

Universes form in pairs.
So is ours.
The non-material side can see us.
We cant see them.
The difference is the concept of time.

On the non-material side they have perfect knowledge,
but no opportunity to act upon it because of the lack of time.
On the material side we have imperfect knowledge but complete power to take action.

So, the non-material side can only perform a minor act or communicate a single image.
Like clues.
Only if you pay attention you will see it.

Hence, creating a crop circle in a matter of seconds.

Crop circle refers us to 3 thru 9 to 6 thru 9 to 3

This crop design

is obviously pointing at the Rodin sequence explained here: Marko Rodin and the Vortex

Focus on the center.
Look "in 3D"
You see the vortex or "the coil"

Crop circles are the Instagram version of the pyramids.

Somewhere I picked up the idea that pyramids all over the world seem to have appeared out of thin air and instantly materialized as a whole.
Crop circles appear in the same way.

What if the pyramids are the old way of communicating?
Information meant to be saved 'forever'.
Seen by everyone.
But human nature got used and thus bored with them.

Now, the crop circles appear.
They contain the same higher dimensional sacred knowledge, just like the megaliths.
They are formed in fields without damaging the crops.
This allows the formations to disappear in a matter of days.
Thus triggering our modern human curiosity for volatile information.

Just like all social media do.

I got this insight after watching this video of Dr Horace Drew.
Decoding UFOs and Crop Circles 2017

Dream: Crossing the muddy river.

I stand at the edge of a wide muddy river.
With a toddler. He is floating on the water, unaware of any danger.
I need to cross that river.
Without being killed by the aligator.
Without losing the kid to the aligator.
I look at the water, trying to see the beast.
I can sense my legs going numb of fear.

Should I try and kill the animal? No, I'm not strong enough.
Should I out swim it? With the little boy? Not a chance.
Should I sacrifice myself? Then the kid will also be killed.
Sacrifice the kid?? Don't even mention it!

Only one thing remains: study the animal.
Respect the animal.
Move without disturbing it.
As I realise this, I feel the numbness disolve.
Liberating!

<3

Ayahuasca and alcohol.

Just. Don't. Mix them.
Anyway, this article is not about that.

I got this insight were I saw the parralels between Aya and alcohol (beer).
Both are:
- Bitter
- Poison
- Hit your liver where a lot of trauma is stored.
- Both make you purge.
- Both knock you out.

Under inflence of Aya you can be guided to focus on your pains for acceptance and thus release thru purging.

Now imagine, being waterboarded with bitter beer until you almost pass out.
You are sick.
Helpless.
You vommit your guts out and you literally shit your pants while a priest commands you to repent.
To accept the Light.
To beg the Lord for Mercy.

This sounds violent but the key is that it is voluntarily.
You survive.
You rise a Warrior.
A Knight.
A True Christian.

<3

How Ayahuasca talks to me.

We just rounded up our 8th ceremony.
A lot of agony and deep pain is transformed and I thank the Plants for their help and wisdom.

We arrive at home and after a shower and lunch we spontaneous start preparing our little garden.
We pluck the long grasses with our bare hands.
We throw all the ripped grass and weeds on a pile in the corner while we evaluate which plant to keep and which to remove.
Mindless.
Brutal.
Meanwhile the grass is screaming for help by the well known cutten-grass-smell.
We don't pay attention to it.
We observe a small tree at the edge of the garden.
"What is this?" I ask myself and out of habit I squeeze a leaf between my thumb and index finger to extract a fragrance...
Without any fear I place my nose right on my fingers and take the deepest sniff you can imagine.
What follows is pure horror!
The smell of MAOI rushes through my body and settles right in my still fragile stomach.
It's a miracle I didn't trow up everything I ate.
Instinctively I apologize to the little Warrior in my garden.

Never ever before has a plant communicated with me in such a clear and assertive way.

I felt like a stupid cave man.
Doing harm  to this fragile environment.

The only thing I could do to continue the work was to promise the plants that one day I will sacrifise myself to them.

Weird as f*ck.
Right?
<3

The Old Woman and the Little Boy

I drink.
I'm disgusted at myself for putting this poison in my body, again.
Shivers.
Cold.
Nausea.

The purple spiral appears.
It spins fast and beautiful.
Leads me up and up and straight to the face of the Old Lady.
She obviously looks for attention, recognition, love.
I don't feel hostility.
I hold her in my arms.
Promissing her I'll be here. Forever, if nessecary.
She gives in and relaxes.
I notice myself as a 6year-old child.
Observing with envy ,demanding my attention.

How can I be with each of them at the same time?
That's were the insight kick in.
I merge them.
They float into each other.
They transform into a young woman.
And then, into light.
They disolve.

I feel relieved.
<3

The Old Lady

She lives in a dark place.
Deep inside my body, around the navel.
She sits there in bitterness.
Pure intolerence.
Denying, ignoring anf fighting the rithm of my heart.
Boiling her anger into a painful ball
Just so I have to spit it out.
Onto my ennvironment.
In traffic. My own actions. My loved-ones' actions...

This time, I caght her red-handed.
I promised her: "I'm taking you to drink. You know what's comming."

She looked frightend at me and the pain resided inside me.

She is smart, and cunning.
She just made me believe she went away.
So now I have this new question for Mother Aya: "Who Am I? What is my real name?"
I realise this is a trick!
The old lady doesn't want me to take her to The Mother.
She wants me to take the new question.

I know who I am.
I don't need a name.

Now this comes along

So I'm doing this moves for 3 days and the results are amazing!

I catch myself, scanning my body for pain and not finding the old back pain.

Inner talk with the Hunter and Pumba.

Woke up this morning way too early.
Around 3:30 am

I got aware of something going on in my mind.
A business.
So I apply what I heard two days earlier in some YouTube clip.
I ask the thing: "Who are you?"
I see an eye.
"Who are you? What do you want?" I continue.
The image completes and shows me a duck!
A duck!
The black kind with big round white eye and red beek.
It stares straight at me.
I ask it what do you want?
The duck floats away from me but doesn't disappear.
I get annoyed.
Then, out of the blue, a tall man appears, wearing camouflage, heavy boots, a kaki hat and holding a two-barrel shotgun. His dog follows him.
He grabs the duck by the neck and powerfully throw it in the air, loads the shotgun and shoots the duck mid-air!
The dog rushes to retrieve the game.
I. AM. BAFFLED!

"Who are you?" I ask.
He sits on my left side and stares at me in disbelief but with patience.
I'm the Hunter, he says.

"What hunter?" I reply.
"You know, the Hunter, Orion." He smiles.

The dog is back with the pray. His tail is wagging but it's not a dog. It's a pig!
Like Pumba!
WTF??
"You chew too much pork" the Hunter explains.

I'm thinking: "Get your ass back to the bloody stars and leave me alone" but he interferes and says:"I'm the hunter. You are the hunter. You stopped hunting. You forgot how to hunt. Affraid to kill because it is not allowed. You type all day at this 'computer'..."
He is mocking my lifestyle.
"If you don't hunt them, they will continue eating you."
"Who? What?? What's eating me?" I ask.
"Can't you feel it?" He smiles.
Suddenly I become very aware of my entire body. My toes, my legs, my back! It's killing me.
The duck was removed and killed from my brain. That's how I finally reached the Hunter.
"What's the back pain? What animal is it?"
"An aligator" he says. Emotionless.
"Kill it" I tell him.
"I can't. He is too deep integrated to you body."
"So what should I do???" I almost panic.
"I don't know." He smugs. "It seems not to like oxygen".
I start bearthing beeply. Into my belly.
The pain reduces as if the teeth of the gator are releasing.
"This is exhausting." I tell him. "I can't do this all my life long!!"
"Not my problem!" He laughs laudly.
"What's the weight on my shoulders?" I ask.
"An hyppopotamus" He replies, lifting his eyebrows, mockingly.

Guess what I did last weekend?
Visited the zoo.
Saw a cute baby hyppo

 and did this...

Testimonial 20/5

This would be my 4th journey guided by Mo and Bas and this time I decided to introduce my children of 15 and 17 to the sacret inner journey.

Need I say more about my trust in Bas and Mo?

The setting was clean, comfortable and warm.

The music inspirational.

The taste was foul.

The doses were absolutely perfect.

The journeys and sorrow were deep

And the insights and joy are still growing...

My children entered as kids and returned as true Warriors.

Thank you guys! <3

The Parade

I see myself standing in a desert-like environment.
As I turn around, I see palm trees apear.
Vast rows of lucious green trees.
In the background a golden pyramid cuts the sky.
A wide sand road passes in front of it.
I see two huge purple-grey elephants, with three trunks, walking towards me.
Leading a huge caravan of animals behind them.
Rhinos.
Girafs.
Camels!
They have a cube on their back.
And these cubes have faces!

Like these! :) :) :)

Lower back pain.

What lower back pain??
😀😀😀

During the last 2-3 days, I've caught myself moving freely, sitting for a reasonable time on a chair and the getting up...effortlessly, painlessly...

Before you drink Ayahuasca, consider this.

About the pain in my belly...

...that only seems to recede when I lay on my chest, stretched on the floor.

This experience is induced by this song: Spirit Bird.

 As soon as the song goes "We've seen it all before..."
I stop resisting, wrestling and I give in...

I see my younger self.
I'm in my twenties, but centuries ago.
Dying.
In the bow of a ship.
One hand is holding my stomach.
The other is reaching for help.

Who can help me?
Only I can help myself.

That's when I see my current 42 year-old self emerging from the light shining inside through the deck opening.
I'm wearing brown leather boots, my favorite brown leather jacket, a black wool hat, sunglasses, unshaven...
I'm holding a little boy by the hand. That is also my 6 year-old self.
Innocent. Trusting.
Looking up to this bad ass man in leather.
Looking at the dying man with curiosity.
The 43yo man reaches out to me. I grab his string hand and he pulls me up into the light and on the deck.
He guides me to the steerman's position and as he puts my hand on the steering wheel I transform into a healthy, clean and well dressed captain.
The little boy looks at me like he was expecting this to happen.

The 42yo takes the boy and walks to the front of the ship.
The boy asks him: "Where are we sailing to?"
He looks down into the boys eyes with the most compassionate look and in a warm voice he replies:
"I don't know and don't you worry. He, pointing at me, knows the way."

I set the ship's course straight into a warm golden light...

Our lucky day.

My Anna's unresolved issues from the last session pushed us to book a last minute ceremony at Bas and Mo's place.
I decide to dive into my connection to my mom, lower back pain and allowing to receive money since these three topics are strongly related.
We were joined by 3 new travelers.
S from India, wishing to deal with her mother's death.
J from Amsterdam, wishing to deal with the misunderstanding of his girlfriend's anorexia.
And P from Slovenia, the Reptilian Prince, had no clear wish. He came to state that the world needs a big shift and change is upon us.

Needles to say P kind of had us like "WTF!??" even before we had our first sip.
Hold on to your pants cause this is going to blow them away.

J couldn't cope with the pain of facing the issues. As soon as he saw Anna struggle with drinking and puking, he left the room and sat alone to cry though his deep sorrow. What he saw must have connected him to his anorexic girlfriend. Very powerful.

S took quite some time to allow herself to resolve her issue and as soon as she did, we all felt a deep relief and a warm shift of the energy in the room. Bless her and her strong warm work.

P, omg P...
After my second drink, which by the way was a manifestation of pure heroism (but I could be bloating :p ) I saw...
I saw The Reptilian Prince.

Appearing from a huge quite mass of water.
The surface rippled gently.
His green-grey face was emerging in a royal fashion.
Wearing a red and blue crown, he looked me deep in the eyes. His eyes were big, completely black and his mouth was nothing but a black line connecting his broad snaky jaws.
I looked at him.
I can't recall a feeling.
There was no fear or surprise. Nor love or even a wish to understand...
I just knew.
I knew I was observing from a distance because he represents disconnection, loneliness and the feeling not to be understood.

I got my confirmation when he suddenly shape shifted into a big Lion with majestic manes and kind eyes. Notice how the lion is also considered 'royal'.

Also I got this pattern:

While everybody has done 'his work', P remains stubborn and stuck in his struggle, claiming he wants to be helped to release this reptilian prince but on the other hand feeling proud not to surrender.
This leads him to a third shot.
A shot of desperation.
We all pitch in, in the energy and the love to stay with him and to guide him.
He feels attacked, misunderstood and in the end even lonely.
He won't budge and in the end we cave and give up. Tired, somewhat sad and even frustrated.

That's when it hit me!
What we were feeling, is exactly what P was feeling during his whole life!
That energy created the space for this Reptilian Prince just like our feeling of connection and love creates the space for Mother Ayahuasca.
Same coin, different sides.
Our attitude was immature and infantile, believing there was something wrong with P, willing to 'change him for the better'.
All EGO based bullshit.
P is just perfect the way he is.
All we need to do is ACCEPT him.
Period.

This is a Warrior family!

So much fear.

So much grief.

So much pain yet so much compassion.

It rips you apart, it kills you, it resurrects you.

So much peace.

So much Love.

 

At His strongest moment God created and...

...He was alone.

Perception

Facing fears.

I'm still at home.
Un-sickening...
Sitting on the floor.
Watching inside.
Watching some clips on youtube.
And back to the inside.

About an hour ago I see the setting sun beaming through the living room window.
Incenses are burning.
I look outside and I have the urge to open the window.
To feel the shine on my face.
At the same time I feel a deep fear.
A judgement.
What if someone sees me?
What if I get mocked?
What if I mock myself?
I see...

I open the curtains.
I open the window and...just sit down.
Such an emotional roller coaster.
Just from sitting there.

(picture taken after all these insights)

I think I finally did it. I just went crazy!

I present you an image from 'outer space' of the entrance to hell.
Slap my ass and call me Sally if this doesn't look like a blue eye.

From 'watching' to 'eyes'

Last weekend I remember getting up and realizing I was no longer in pain.
Not a single part of my body hurt!
No painkillers.
No SSH.

I was scanning my body with my mind, in disbelief.
I felt I could take on everything!
We had planned a lot of activities with the kids.
Dancing on Friday.
Dancing on Saturday...

But...
Friday around noon I received a message from N.
She was back in Amsterdam for another ceremony.
I got so engaged and excited, I WANTED TO BE THERE!
This was the point where I believe I left my body just for a brief moment.
I had to rationalize my spirit back into the "here and now".
You know: work, plans with kids, appointment at my mom's place, dancing with my love....

So Friday my daughter mentions she has some kind of eye infection going on.  Of course we try to help her.

Saturday morning I ask N how her trip was. (See, I was still there) and she replied...

This blue eye theme would appear all weekend long.
By 11pm we had enough of dancing in Vlissingen and decided to head home.

On our way back we see this remarkable drawing on a building.

So, we stop and get out for a selfie :D
I mentioned to Anna it reminded me of N's ceremony.

Sunday came along and...the first symptoms of a cold appeared.
By 6pm I was crawling on the floor in agony, pain and discomfort.
Just like I did during my Ayahuasca sessions.
The resemblance comforts me.
Anna guides me. <3
I have never been 'guided' through an illness in this way.
So today, Monday, we took the day off.

N is also doing fine.
She sent me this.

In the Balkans, the blue eye is an omen of troubles and a talisman for luck.

I think my Guru is watching me...

This post "What does it Matter?" is not even cold yet and now I get a notification from Teal's blog.

I just kept squeezing the air out of my lungs until this showed up.

What does it Matter?

Space!

You probably imagine a black void.
Maybe some stars and an occasional planet floating around...oh, and a comet. With a white tail.
Right?

Naseem Harramein has claimed that 'space' is not void.
It's 'full'.
Space is infinite and contains everything.
Just like the Mother.
But we call the tiny little bits of things 'matter'. Derived from mother.
While what we call 'matter' is made up of mostly...nothing.
It should have been called 'anti-matter' or 'patter'. The male energy.
The penetrating and dividing energy.
The Lucifer experiment.
But instead, we made that Male energy into GOD.

Because all we are is patterns anyway.
Patterns of emptiness, feeling lonely and disconnected from the Mother, the matter, desperately trying to connect with tricks like breathing in deeply as much Prana as possible.

Have you seen my pattern? ;)

I wonder what they have been drinking....

Lonely-Alone-Alien-Alienation-Connection-Unity

Crack up the hookah and some SSH.

I get hit hard and I'am thrown back to my 6 years old self.
Feeling left behind by my parents at my mean grandmom's place some where on a mountain in central Greece.
I remember watching how the car drove away.
I ran to catch up.
But my legs fail me.
Rejected. Feeling useless and homeless, wandering the streets till late.
Not wanting to go 'home'. All that awaits is a boring old mean woman.

Suddenly I feel my right side going numb. It has the image of a static TV screen.
That's when I remember the punishment I got for being late.
A slapping on my right side. With nettles. So it would sting.
It still stings.

I remember steeling money from my Dad's new girlfriend.
Just for the kick of it.
The excitement makes my body shake so violent I hear my spine crack into place.
I got punished for that.
With an epic slap.

Feeling lonely....again. Still...

I hear this loud singing voice in my head.
It's so loud it presses against my skull on the inside.
After a while I convince the voice to just stop.
. . . s t a t i c . . .
In that field of static electricity I recognize the face of a typical grey alien. Like in the movies.
But now I understand the big black eyes.
Those are eyes of loneliness.
Alone.
Alien.
Aliennation.
Which shoots me to the memory of some Secret Service lady who claimed that the 'final deception' for humanity would be the existence of an Alien nation.
This would unite humanity under a New World Order.

Divide to unite.

PS: Boom! found it!

Serendipity

I remember leaving the last ceremony in Amsterdam.
Sitting in my car, hold the steering wheel while Anna is sharing her story.
I can't shake the idea of me participating as a guide in the ceremony.
It would feel so grateful to be able to help.
The sheer amount of experience you get to co-experience is astonishing!
I let the feeling be.

Later, I see a post on FB where Bas introduces a low cost ceremony.
"I would help them out. For free." I thought.
Again, I let it be...

Meanwhile, 11 days after the ceremony, I'm sitting at home having the first SSH in weeks so it goes pretty intense and at a moment of clarity I receive a message.
From Bas.
Stating: "I just initiated you as a Sjamaan."

You. Just. Can't. Make. This. Stuff. Up!

Here is what I'm waisting my brain capacity on... #insight

We all know the Smurfs, right?

The smurfs are being chased by this evil black sorcerer called Gargamel and his cat Asrael.
He is a caricature of a Jew with a typical big nose.
He tries to get rich by using magic to turn the smurfs into gold.
The names end with "el" which refers to the Holy (Jewish) scriptures.

"Why does he need the smurfs?" You would wonder.
Well, they are blue. They refer to the Jinns, having superior powers.
Just like the Genie in Alladin -also blue- and Superman's main color of outfit.

Now, here comes the insight:
The creator's artist name is Peyo.
Today I saw a picture on my FB timeline of a traditional Jew with long hair locks at the ears.
I looked up why they wear their hair like this and it turns out they call it
<drum roll>
"pejo't"
<tum tum tummm>

Behold, Mother Ayahuasca. #insight

The Princess in the Tower.

I stumble out of the toilet.
Into the hall way.
I wrap my blanket around me and settle on the floor between the door to the ceremony room and the staircase.
This is my spot now.
Mo insists to get inside.
I growl.
Anna comes to check on me.
I refuse to follow her inside.
She brings pillows and blankets.
I command her to get in the room.
I will hold guard here.
Nothing will pass.
Nothing will enter the room. You all will be safe.

The pain in my head is killing me.
I fall on my knees, put my head on the floor and command 'it' to show itself and to leave me!
What follows is the rawest, roughest puking session I've ever gone through.
I knew I'd pay for that ego trip.

I go to my mattress.
Fall asleep.

The headache.

Suddenly I wake up.
Anna is in my arms.
A grab my head.
In agony.
The pain is excruciating.
She tries to sooth me.
I sit up.
"What good am I"?
I look into the fire. That's all I can do.
All night long.
While everybody sleeps and rests. I experience the night.
I see the stars. I know the stars. I know the fire. I keep the fire alive.
The fire is technology.
I handle and master the technology. Hence my carrier as a programmer. #Insight.

The pain make me wine like a dog in pain. Like the wolf to the moon.
I walk to the toilet.
It's bright in there.
I look at the floor. Don't like that.
I look up. See the bright lamp. Technology, I realize.
I howl to the light.
Like howling to the moon.
The moon is technology.
The moon is artificial! #Insight.

My head...

The Caveman.

I notice M is a lefty.
I tell her how I always envied lefties for being very creative and in touch with their right brain.
Anna's theory is that people with blood type AB are more likely to be lefties.
M doesn't know her blood type.
E-J sits up and mentions he is AB and a lefty!
We crack up!

I rant: What good am I?
Blood type O.
Caveman, carnivore.
All I can do is stare at the fire.

We laugh.
Meanwhile we are served soup and sandwiches.
I take double portions, knowing I shouldn't.
At this point, I feel invincible.

I try to get some rest.

The Second Shot.

At this point, the time has come for seconds.
I gather all my courage and look into the thick brown chuncky mud in the glass.

I push it down my system.
Disgusting.

The Tribe's Chief-Guard-Healer.

I get up again, cross my arms and hold the blanket firmly around my body.
I oversee all the participants.
One by one.
Feel them.
Allow their journey.

Bas and Mo grab the djembe and I take my oud.
We play a couple of songs now that I am somewhat clear.
Three songs.
Enough.
I'm tired.
Back to bed.

Beating the Beast into submission, in vain.

I stare from the edge of the room to T across the room.
I connect to her again.
My knees start shaking.
The insist I should get up.
So I do.
I have a blanket wrapped over my shoulders.
I shiver.
I look at the floor.
The candles look so far away.
I move my right foot over a line on the floor.
Then the left one.
One by one.
Till the edge of the cloth.
I feel the urge to kneel down.
Left knee first.
Then the right.
I put my forehead on the cloth in front of the flame.
I can see the flame burning through my skull.
The Beast feels a peace inside.
Calms down.
For a moment.
Until I realize I'm being held hostage.
By the flame.
Why should I submit to a fucking flame?
I hate the flame. It is disgusting!
I get up growling and I step back to the edge of the room.

The peacock cloth.

I'm on the mattress.
I look out to see Anna.
She's not in the room.
I look again.
I understand she's in the bathroom.
She's struggling.

I feel I have to get up and gather myself to sit at the circle.
I don't really want to.
The round cloth is wrinkled.
I try to stretch it.
"My mom would do that" I say.
This reminds me of Anna's technique for handling her pattern and healing.
It doesn't work.
It keeps wrinkling.
I get upset and demand her to join me at the circle.
She doesn't show up.
I decide the cloth has the right to be wrinkled.
I play with the cloth.
I feel the light of the candles are watching me.
Judging me.
I get up and move away from the circle to sit against the wall.

The Beast lives...

...and hates bird sounds.
Hates light.
Wants to sleep while it shines.
It even hates darkness. Darkness wakes him up.
Disorientates him. Confuses him.
The Beast hates change.

I puke!
I hit the floor and growl.
I feel like a conqueror.
On the top of the mountain.
Pure ego tripping.

I know this will back-draft on me but I ignore it.
Celebration!

The Beauty and the Beast.

The growling continues.
I only communicate using deep sounds with everybody.
Outloud.

I roll of my mattress.
I don't want this prison.
I move around, walk to the bathroom, come back and decide to sit down next to the mattress.
Anna approaches me.
I hug her and we lay down on the floor against the wall.
Bas picks up a blanket and holds it up.
I see him and explicitly give him permission to approach us and cover us.

Later I insist Anna to move on the mattress.
I remain on the floor.
Guarding her.

Well hello there.

As I push my face in the mattress, I perceive the image of myself.
Looking at me.
As through a mirror.
Gazing at me.
Pointing at me.

I feel like a freak.
An animal.
A beast...

I growl.

Personal structure

We join Bas and Mo again.
This time his lovely wife is present to help us.

We sit around a round table cloth with a peacock's tail pattern print.

The participants:
First-timer E-J, struggling with a violent childhood and devastating diseases running in his family.
First-time sisters T and N from Ireland, struggling with T's spine problems.
My Anna
and yours truly.

We state our intend out loud.
"Insight, in and out." I say.

We take our shot.
E-J's trip kicks in in about 3 minutes.
Hard.
I see him throw up and even congratulate him.
I am still clear headed.

10 minutes in, my personal pattern shows up.
A dark spinning tunnel with a violet purple pink black whirl.

I see the Pyramids.
I see the story lines of possibilities in this existence converging to one Source in the form of a Triangle in the sky; It doesn't matter what story you represent. You can't escape this 'reality'.
This makes me throw up.

I'm satisfied and even proud because I am aware I'm moving in the right direction.
I start making a growling sound.
Coming from my belly.
It soothes me.
I realize my mattress is like a cage, protecting myself and the rest of the participants.
As I am kneeled at the edge of the mattress, facing the wall, having my back to the center, I feel myself connecting to T. intuitively I start marking my territory by running my hands around the edges of my mattress. I push away anything that is crossing the line: pillows, blankets, Anna's hand...
Nothing is allowed in!
I run my hands towards my feet behind me I feel my spine been stretched. Immediately all of my painful points shoot up. Cramps in the left foot, pain in the lower back, pain in my right shoulder.
I stop for a moment, regroup and continue 'closing' my cage.

I smack my face on the mattress, exhausted.

"Scientific thinking"

...creates and allows exceptions?

remarkable....

We are into this now...

The Sacret Voyage

Remember, She said.

Remember who you are.
Remember we were just playing.
I provided the doll.
You would take care of the program.
You have been gone for so long...inside that program.
Fixing it.
Developing it.
Look! That's the Universe we're creating by playing.

Divide, to Unite.

Tar black fixed eyes in the mirror.

My eyes are fixed, closed.
Over generations.
Over clans and tribes worldwide.
Even an Alien representative has them sealed with black tar.
The baby is unable to open them and focus on "reality".

I feel it's my duty to help him.
I am convinced I can do it.
Maybe if I show him how to do it, he will be able...

As I try to open them, I feel a pulling force at the bottom of my spine.
I insist and pull that energy higher, to my 2nd chakra. Now my eyelids start opening.
This is exhausting and I am only on step 2.
I go through the blurry fazes of 3, 4 and 5...
Still no focus.
I'm getting desperate.
Tired.
I gather my courage and pull the energy over my head.
I'm screaming at this point.
The energy is pushed above my head but I can't lift it any higher and it's about to collapse.

Then, I submit to the weight of this work.
My eyes shut so fast and hard, pure darkness...

Sorry kido, maybe next time. <3



















This insight, fills my belly with insecurity...

Heaven lays at the feet of your Mother.

My connection to my mother is a very painful one.
I needed the help of SSH to get there last night.

Pain
Shame
Sorrow

It all piled up.
It twisted and turned my lower body till my joints started cracking.

Acceptance
Release
Love

(This one is for Mo. )

Impotence, that's why!

I get to a point where I start questioning why I'm getting the information and knowledge that men in their 60ies, 70ies and beyond possess and preach.

Why is it that the pressure in my hip is pointing towards my sexual center?
Could it be that the socially imposed 'potty training' forces boys to block their First chakra?
Causing the Second chakra to be forced to deal with whatever energy overflows.
Resulting in the well known morning erections with painful full blathers?
So by daily forcing the urine thru the closed off ureter, damaging the 2nd chakra?
Could this result, by the age of 50 to erectile disfunction?

Imagine that elderly men, unconsciously and way too late, have found the answer to this issue.
They get up at night to urinate, several times.

Mother Ayahuasca will:

Let me wait.
Turn and toil me.
Make me feel unwanted.
Convince me to shift shapes.
From lizard to a cat and even to a carnivorous plant...

Have me beggggg to let me in.

Until

I realize.
She'll never let me in.
I'm not worthy...
Unless I show my true Self.


Tada!! I'm in! :D :D :D

Take a deep look...

...into the mirror.

I've done this before but this time...

Two eyes merge into one.
Deep darkness colors the iris.
A wormhole with a stairway to the light appears.
Follow the light.
Follow
Follow...

Wait, what??
Where do you think you'll arrive?
You're already there.

Testimonial Ayahuasca Ceremoniy with Bas and Mo.

In short: I loved trusting my soul and the soul of my Love to these guys.
If you wanna know why, read on. ;)

Bas asked me to write a testimonial on my experience at his place.
How can I refuse, but you'll have to forgive me if this sounds a bit like "Komen Eten" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So, I never met or heard of Bas before.
Just googled and booked a trip for me and Anna.
Turns out, we were the only participants. A true blessing!

We drove all the way to Harlem Amsterdam expecting a city-like environment so imagine our surprise when we found ourselves cruising through open fields of grass, along streams of quite water surrounding farms. A peaceful scenery felt very promising.
Now, imagine our slight disappointment when we approached the ceremony place midst of an industrial complex!
We were nice on time so the door was open and we just walked inside only to find...two of the most warm welcoming men I've ever encountered.
Suddenly the outside world didn't matter anymore.

Bas, our ceremony Master, introduced himself briefly and introduced us to our modest and amazing Sitter, Mo.
Mo helped us unload the car.
The cozy decorated place had just enough space to comfortably accommodate 4 mattresses, a piano, a guitar, a table and a separate room for privacy to change into something comfortable.
The tea flooded abundant.
The fruit salad was provided with much care.
The Ayahuasca was prepared and served with the utter most Love and Respect for the plants and the participants. I appreciated the fact that She was served at room temperature. This made the acceptance into my system so easy.

Everything was cleansed in a ceremonial way.
Bas played and sang his own compositions. I declare them the Icaros of Europe.
Ofcourse, during the whole evening a selectively composed playlist was playing with a certain theme. Won't tell you what it is. Go listen for yourself.
There were no restrictions for me and Anna and the men even left the room a couple of times just to give us some privacy. (Thank you guys)

Bas and Mo are so well synchronized, it was a blessing having them take care of me.
Allowing me to go deep into my inner work while providing protection and guidance, especially during those trips to the -very clean- bathroom. :D

Thank you guys for this amazing experience and your openness.
Much Love and Peace.
See you soon.

First pattern.

This purple-pink-violet molecule-like rotating sphere made such an impression...

3rd Ayahuasca ceremony: Preparation.

1. Intention: Go deep!
2. Buy a small mirror.
3. Follow the diet.
4. Allow...

I'm finally seeing concrete health improvements...

...and I can't understand why I'm not eager to share this.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But, here it goes...

My health issue is a pain in my right hip-join-muscle which has the audacity to extend all the way down to my leg and even once all the way to my foot.
Obviously, this is not a good thing when you love social dancing.

What I know about this pain is:
- It appeared during my visit to Iceland to watch the solar eclipse.
- It felt like I was going to end up in a wheelchair.
- My acupuncturist convinced me it is not a physical problem. It was purely emotionally.
- Had a million massages. They all helped temporary, a bit.

During the first Ayahuasca ceremony I was forced to lay down and just...shake! Shake all the tension out of the psoas. This shaking altered from 'random' full body movements to a more specific 'brutal kick with the right leg' and took about all night(!).

During the second ceremony, this shaking had reduced to just a short moment.

During the month between the ceremonies the shaking would randomly appear. This felt so comforting.

I had witnessed others kicking their right leg and I was discussing this with Anna. She looked this up and the kicking would indicate a state of self-defense from whatever... Btw, I don't know her sources and frankly my dear, I don't care at this point. :)

Fast forward to the days after the second ceremony around Christmas...
We light up the nargile with cinnamon, vanilla, a strong load of Super Silver Haze and the after sizzle of The Mother.
As usual, I set my intend to visit Her and thank her for all the beauty I witnessed.
This time though, the Plants guide me to a painful feeling in my stomach...again.
So I follow...
And I focus...
And I let the pain increase...to the absolute maximum.
I'm weeping like a little kid at this point.
That's when this huge rainbow-like beam shoots out of my belly all the way to my head, spreading this pain over all my cells. I can feel how it disolves.

Then a deep fear overtook my emotions.
I am used to this so I know I have to comfort myself but for some reason I din't do it immediately. Probably because I was surprised by the heavy right leg kicking that was going on.
Intuitively I start scanning my inner child to find out how to comfort him.
I see the images of myself flashing by. I take a short stop at so many moments of my past, trying to see if that old version of myself could bring me comfort with this shaking fear that I was experiencing. None of them could help me. I ended up in the womb as a fetus. Even then, still shaking!
That's when all went dark.
I feel like I'm looking at the night sky and i see only one light dot.
I follow this dot...

[INSERT WHOLE NEW EPIC HERE]

I ended up with the frequency of my heart playing in my ears. 
I got up and went to bed.

Ever since, the pain has emerged for a moment....and faded more and more away.
At this moment, I can say that I feel no pain. At all.
I hope I didn't jinx it. :p

Westworld

I saw a "Happy New Year from Westworld" post on FB.
Eureka moment!

I remembered that damned labyrinth!

That's the 3rd Eye.
On a man's body.
Connected.

And then there is the Man in Black played by Ed Harris.
I can't help seeing the resemblance with my Dark Knight of the Soul.

AHO <3

Can't believe someone took the time to make this animation!

All Holy Books...

...have their Prophets or Gurus explain their Divine connection and experience.
We have been taught to look up to them.
Revere them.

At the same time, we have laws making the plants which open the door to true understanding of The Religions, and thus of yourself, illegal.
Treating this medicine like a poison.

The ones that claim to want to be as close to the Divine as possible will not allow themselves to experience it because of the social negative co-notation.

Life, it seems, comes not without a bit of irony.

Show me your Guru, I'll show you mine.

Meet, the late, Mr Terence McKenna.