How Ayahuasca feels like...

<3

My Dark Knight of the Soul.

I have listened innumerous times to Trevor Ilesley and his lay out of the Dark Knight of the Soul.
I just listened to this interview with Rachel Harris on Ayahuasca and...

Epiphany!

My Dark Knight manifested to me in The Mirror.

AHO. <3 

The Labyrinth

While watching prof. Jordan B. Peterson's Biblical Series I notice this picture and more specific the labyrinth at the bottom.

I remember seeing (but forgot to mention) exactly the same labyrinth during the Mirror episode when I fell down.
Just before I gathered my self and got up to leave the room, my inner eye got a glimpse of this structure.

AHO <3

Acceptance

This morning, just before I woke up, I had a dream.

I saw the cutest little male parrot.

Standing in front of me.
He was holding a seed in his beak.
He was trying to feed it to me.
As a gift.
So he moved his soft feathered throat over my neck.
It felt soft and warm.
I felt small, humble and greatful.
As I looked up and accepted the seed from his beak, a warm flooding feeling flushed up my body and woke me up...

My heart...

...buzzes, like an electric static field.
This image came to my mind while under SSH.

Gray
Metalic
Static
Elecric
Powerful
Present and hidden at the same time.

The beach episode.

I look down at my own bare feet.
I'm standing on a golden beach.
I feel a bit chubby. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
My toes are burried in the sand and I keep pulling them out and digging them back in.
Feels fun and warm.
I see how the sand flows up and down while a hole is been digged.
Then...
My vision starts zooming in on the sand just out of the reach of my toes, towards quite and peaceful part of the sand.
The zoom launches me to one specific sand grain, throws me inside that grain and I arrive in a space overseeing millions of galaxies.
The zooming keeps going until I get to see our Earth.
As a blue ball.

Apparantly Mother Ayahuasca is no Flat Earther.

When I think about drinking Ayahuasca...

I ate my hurma around 10am.
Nice juicy snack.
Followed by a coffee and...
...a burp, which shot my memory right back to Saturday, around the campfire.
These two had made an evil alliance in my belly and had mixed their taste and smell into the essence of the Ayahuasca potion.

Almost hurled.

Visiting The Mother with Super Silver Haze.

This is what I saw:

Just before you get incarnated, you descent as a thin thread towards this dimension.
Wether it is after death or a fresh incarnation, you get to choose "how" you get connected and which emotional path you will attach yourself to.
Excitement or fear.
So, the feeling in your belly -the fysical atachment at your umbilical cord- will remind you of your initial choice: Joy or Fear.
Then you go all thru the fiber of space, time. From a very thin silky thread to more complex firm thread, combined from other threads.
Inside the thread, the Flower of Life structure is maintened over and over again, expanding the width of the threads.

Those threads arrange in a torrus field structure, functioning like tubes, spiraling around until they start forming the first matter in the form of a littlle cradle.
This cradle contains your first little escence of your 'self'. The cradle is placed on a rollercoaster-like track. It has an extension which can bind to the track but only if the hook of the track fit perfectly.
Until then, the cradle rushes violently down the track, reducing the possibilities to actual concieve a body for this little soul.
The fast track feels frightening for the little soul.
It can feel the falling and hear the failling clicks of the hook.
The soul doesn't know what will happen to it if it fails to connect.
So it sits there in fear.
So i decided to go and console the little spirit.
"Don't worry" I told it. "If it doesn't hook, it will be fantastic, and if it DOES hook, it will be even more fantastic! Don't be affraid. Look outside. Look at how you are falling.".
Then the little spirit smiled at me and got aware of the exciting feeling in his belly.

That's when the fear in my belly transformed into pure excitement.

I can still smell her.

She's in my skin.
She's in my glands.
She hides her bitterness in my cup of coffee.
And with colorful maple shaped fractals
She reaches me her hands.

I'm the Master of the Universe!

This was the explamation playing in my head right after I jumped out of our love-making bed.

Also found an eplanation for why we say:
"It feels strange." 
In all languages I speak.

The true meaning of the term Motherfucker.
"Executing a pure selfish action with very little personal gain while not showing any form of added value or creativity."

I fell in love with this Dounia

I just want to eat.
To feel.
To drink.
To consume!
To consumate. <3

I exercised my quads. I used to hate that. I loved it today.

I got a chance to even talk to my daughter about last weekend and explain to her that she and her brother have the right and that I would provide the best set and setting for them if they would decide to get the Knowledge.

Even had pizza with pineapple (haters gonna hate) and Coca Cola and coffee!

Aftermath

At the breakfast table, I eat much more than I did last time.
But, I'm not a fan of broccoli soup.
Anna gets bitten by the black cat living in that place.
Nice way to end this ceremony.

We explicitly take some time to talk and connect with GJ.
We love this young man.
He showed so much respect during the journey.
Maybe we can adopt him.
Huehuehue.

As soon as I feel sober enough we leave.
During the ride home Anna flushes ALL of her experience on me.
Here it is: http://supranna.blogspot.be/2017/12/ayahuasca-ceremony-122017.html

We get home and devour the chicken soup I had prepared just before the weekend.
Best.
Soup.
EVER!!

I still love the feeling of gratitude and joy of eating a full decent meal after 2 weeks of following the strict diet.

Lessons learned:
-Double check which Shamans will be present.
-Double check which Shaman will travel along.
-Double check the percentage male/female participants.
-Speak up when the 'connecting' exercise is not really 'connecting'.

With respect and gratitude,
AHO!

I crave for the 3D Reality.

This bombarding of testosteron has bound me to this incarnation.
This Dounia.

I eat as much of the provided fruits as possible.
Pure gluttony.

I catch myself wondering what time it is....for the 5th time.
So I step outside.
I look up and see the clearest night sky.
Ursa Minor. Bright!
I follow the direction to Polaris. Clear.
Drago on the left...beautiful.

I step to my car.
Everything is frozen. I can barely open the door.
Start the engine, dim the lights, it's 6o'clock sharp.
I wait a bit and walk back inside. As I step in the workshop room I notice the dense air.
I smell Ayahuasca.
It repels me.
I return to my car and enjoy the worldly pleasure of the heated seating.
Pure joy and comfort.

Around 8o,clock I get this feeling.
"I'm alone."
"Anna is alone!!"
I run Forrest-Gump-style back to the room and crawl gently against her.
She is obviously playful and frisky as she sees me.

I must be your personal Saviour.

I get on my matress again.

Reloaded.
Ready for what is to come.

Suddenly I remember.
"Tell me, what are the winning lotery numbers?" I ask and...before me, out of the pebbles of a flower, emerges a huge white dice.
It's sides where rounded, as if it was used, thrown, a kazillion times.
On the surface of the sides you could barely distinguish which cipher was written.
En the ciphers themselves where put upside down, rotated.
Several ciphers appeared on the same side!
"Well, thank you!" I laughed.

Then, I see my children.
"This is mine" I tell myself.
I see how they have become what they are by their own power and the contamination of society, of my bullshit...
He, is my first.
She, is my first second...and...my second first!
I find that an amusing thought...
It makes me cry.
I love those tears.

While enjoying this warm moment I get the most painful feeling of this ceremony.
A stabbing pain overtakes me and sends all my attention to my right side, at my liver.
I collapse from the pain.
"Not mine!" I whisper.
"It's Ok, Release it. Forgive them. They don't know what they're doing. They were also mistreated."

I realize I sound like Jesus WTF Christ. He got stabbed while hanging on the cross. On the right side.

As soon as I form this thought, I receive a blow on the right side of my neck!
So painful!
I begged for the others to release it.
To forgive their enemies.
But this one...wouldn't go away...
It reduced a the Medicine started to fade out.

Bad vibes.

I walk outside and I see my Anna standing next to the 'New Shaman'.
I'm so happy to see her.
I see she feels my presence.
At the same time I notice by her posture that she is not happy to be there.
The presence of this Shaman is bothering her.
I approach them.
The Shaman opens his arms to welcome me.
I recognize he is not "there".
It's a fake hug.
By reflex I hug him and immediately I scald at him.
"Go away! You stink like fucking tobacco!"
Anna laughs. She gets it.
He excuses himself and returns inside.
I look at Anna. She looks frightened.
I try to get her to talk.
"I can't" she said. "I don't have the words but it's NOT good!"

At this point, I'm still oblivious to what is REALLY going on.
She is clearly more aware of the mess we got ourselves in this time.

I get cold so I return inside.
She insists to stay outside.

The mirror

As the Shaman helps me getting up he reminds me.
"You have something to do" and he helps me getting in front of the mirror.

I thank him for reminding me as I take a look to the reflection.

As I approach the mirror I feel a certain pain in my belly. I am convinced it's because I need to go to the toilet so I ignore it for a moment.

I smile at myself. The reflection doesn't smile back...owwwkey
Then it replies with the most stingy smiles.

The forehead of the reflection seems frozen. Doesn't move.
Now, the jaw seems frozen.
I look into my eyes and the reflection's left side remains unchanged. The right side's eye suddenly turns in dark black & blue. I recognize Anna's eye and a smurk.
The Shaman sees this as a sign and asks me to get dressed to go outside.
I tell him "wait, I'm not ready here yet." because that feeling in my belly...was PULLING me inside the mirror. So deep through my eyes that I saw the reflections right side turn pitch black like ashes and fade away while the mouth took the most hideous mocking smile.
This triggers the feeling in my belly to transform into an exploding ball of yellow fire, rising from my legs over my back and on my head, slamming my body violently on the floor.

Sitting there, collapsed, I saw the fabric of space. I was covered by the feeling of love. I reconnect to myself and I get up.
I reassure the Shaman that I'm fine and...I take a second look.
This time the reflection looks like me. At first.
Then, the same right side starts changing.
It elongates a bit.
It rises it's eyebrow in a mocking way and clearly asks me:
"DID YOU LIKE IT?"

I get the joke.
I laugh so hard!
It's all a joke!

I walk outside.

The second shot: Into the abyss

I'm sitting straight up.
Very consiounce.
I see the Shaman in front of me.
He is there but not really "there". I understand that it is because he hadn't drank the Medicine. He is an outsider.
I again take the mixed potion in both hand.
I wait...

As I pour it down I feel a resistance...I force it down.
I'm a man dammit!

Instantly! BANG! Full catapult into the higher realm.
This trip connects me with every single member in the room.
I get hit in the stomach so many times, I lost count of my pukes.
At the second puke I realize I'm puking 'for someone else'.
I figured out they, the other members, where not doing their own work. They were spreading aggressively their shit around and apparently I had volunteered to clean up the mess.
Yeah, I'm a hero. Sacrificing myself. I'm a good boy.
Meanwhile, I'm hurting like hell.
Feeling an attack. Analyze it and giving out loud instructions to the owner of that pain.
Telling them: "release it", "it's not yours",  "you are valuable", "you do matter", "you are good" until they would finally release it by puking, spitting, crying or laughing.
After every release, a psoas-shaking would start as a sort of reloading of energy.
"Liars, liars..." I whispered. "All little dirty secret liars..."
Then, repeat!

This went on and on...

Then I saw the participant with the most experience get up and casually walk outside.
"Coward!" I yelled. "Leaving us alone to handle this".
This made me so ANGRY that both Shamans had to come to calm me down with smoke and water. There I realized none of those two where "there" and I knew the 3rd Shaman was also not "there". So suddenly it dawned upon me that we (Anna and I) where alone in this mess.

I look at her.
She looks like she is struggling but doesn't move her body. Just her head and eyes. Something is going on damned. I feel I need to connect with her.
I need fresh air!
So I get up to go outside and the Shaman comes to help me.

Business as usual

I got the chance to lay in the same corner I laid last time.
I love this place.
Feels safe and powerful.

I get on my little matress and I wait. And wait. And...Nothing.
I feel nothing.
The drummers are playing and I'm gazing at them and at the Shamans.
Bored.
Utterly bored.
No colors. No dizziness...
I see people staring to struggle.

Then, I see the man in front of me reaching out to the sky with his right hand.
This triggers something inside me and the colors appear.
I lay down and see a hand formed out of blue smoke reach for me.
I grab it with both hand and it dissolves.
This triggers an innumerable amount of hide-and-seek episodes interrupted by heavy psoas-shaking.
It is exhausting and very familiar.

Suddenly I find myself sitting up right and the Shaman offers me a second potion.

Taking the Medicine

Around the campfire, the female drummer is making me feel comfortable with her rithms.
One of the Shamans lights up a ceremonial cigar and puffs over our heads for blessings and protection.
I'm suprised to make out my name while he is giving his blessings.

The potion with the MAO inhibitor is handed out.
It starts raining very softly. "These are Anna's protectors" I recall. I see as a good sign. Anna though is slightly alarmed by this. Why are they here? Already. So soon!

I hold the potion in both hands. It's cold. The glass feels frozen. I try to warm it up but my hands are also cold. I wait and rub softly on the glass to make the potion easier acceptable for my system.
Meanwhile, the male drummer sneaks up behind me. I felt him. He didn't surprise me.
He tells me he will help me and puts his hand on my lower back.
I accept his good intention and allow it to calm me down.

I drink.
The taste is familiar but not as strong as the first time.
I feel it descend and delude.
"Good"
The rain stops.

Then I notice this guy...he is smoking a fucking cigarette. Throws it casually into the campfire.
My campfire!
OUR! campfire!!
This is not a fucking dumpster you arrogant idiot!
You had to follow a strict diet for 2 weeks but leaving out a smoke for a day is too much to ask?
WTF?

After 5 minutes, the second potion comes around.
Also cold.
The drummer puts his hands on my shoulders. I don't think much of it...
I drink.
The campfire collpses.
It starts pouring  heavily.
I remain calm and wait for it.
Wait for it...but nothing happens.
No one pukes.
This reassures me.

We walk inside.

Drum meditation.

Just like our first experience, a month ago, this mediation was provided by a lovely couple.
I love their sounds.
I love what they bring, and...
This time I noticed some struggle between them.
A dissonance.
When one was talking, the other would show signs of disagreement and discomfort.

I ask them if they would be so kind as to join us this time during the drinking at the campfire and drum while we consume the Medicine.
They agreed, to my utter joy!

I try to relax during the drum session. Doesn't really happen. I feel their tension. Something is going on...

After the beautiful drumming we step outside.
The drummer tells me he has to give me something before I drink.
Well, give me something and take something,he said.
I asked "what?".
He replied: "I have to take away some of your ego".
At this point I'm laughing like a maniac inside. Here is he with his ego trying to save me from my ego...HILARIOUS!!!
I keep a straight face and ask him: "Did you bringa couple of buckets, because I have enough for EVERYONE here!" :) :) :)

We walk to the campfire...

Introduction by arching.

In retrospect, this was our Shaman's first miscalculation.
He introduced a 'release exercise' by using a bow and arrow.

You stand firmly in the right direction.
You close your eyes.
You stretch the bow.
You put your intention into the arrow.
RELEASE the arrow.
And with it release the emotional load you put in it.
Of course, it doesn't matter how far the arrow shoots.
But.
This is a 95% men's group.
Automatically this supposed to be releasing exercise became a silent competition, fueling a lot of testosteron into the group.
We were freezing while waiting in line which made all of us pretty impatient.
This was felt by every shooter.

All this didn't bring the group closer to each other. Nor did it create space for respect, patience, understanding and warmth for each other.

Ayahuasca Ceremony

We arrive around 2:30.
First!
Got a chance to talk to the Shaman in private and ask him to trust me a bit more than the last time so I can go even in a deeper trip.
He agreed, having seen me earlier and knowing my personality slightly better.
I ask him to remind me to look into the mirror. Also no problem.

All participants arrive.
Only two ladies participate. The lay-Shaman doesn't count for she didn't drink. Nor does the gay guy laying next to me. Or does he?

I feel the sexual imbalance but at least there are a lot of experienced people.I feel reassured.

The group card, this time, is INTUITION.
I'm trying to connect with that.
My card is POSITIVE FUTURE

I look at Anna...

AHO!

Saladelic

My salads, are never this funny.

T-1 : Just having oatmeal and rice today.

Let's have a technical meeting, they said.

It will be fun, they said...

We'll order some pizza, drink a beer, talk about tech stuff...

 

 I felt so tempted.

Meat? What Meat?

I noticed that my appetie for flessssshhh (and I do mean eatable meat) is so diminished.

I do crave for sweet fruits and chocolate.

This damned headache!

...is finally over.

It started right after we returned from Ukrain.
The meat, the sugar, the cafeine...

Withdrawal symptoms, again.

Strawberries are allowed??

STRAWBERRIES ARE ALLOWED!!

(No tyramine)

Lifts & tricks

Today we joined a workshop in Brussels aimed to learn about lifts & tricks.

I'm curious.
Can I still do this?
I AM OLLLD you know...
...and on Ayahuasca's diet which did pinch of a couple of kilo's since the beginning of November.

I loved the powerful workout.
My body wants more of it.
My souls feels connected while playing.
So much fun! :)

So jealous...

...of my kids.

They are eating. The. Most. Fantastic spaghetti bolognese I EVER prepared!!

...while we chew on kinoa and carrots...

#FML

Preparing for Ayahuasca Part 2

Next session is planned for Decemeber 16th.

Looking forward to it. :)
Meanwhile, we have a festival in Brussels to attend while respecting the strict diet.

I'm so gonna pay for all the Borsj I ate.

and the wine
and the grease
and the meat
and the coffeeeeeee.

We're off to Ukrain!

We postponing the diet.
Kinda.
We'll try.
Not really tho.
:p

I found Mother Ayahuasca...

All credits to Tania J Swan - By Laolu Senbanjo

This X-Mas will be lit A.F.

New Ayahuasca session has been planned.
Next D-Day : 15/12 !

It will be a weekend-session with 2 'shots'.


I feel so excited about his! :) :) :)
Maybe I should plan a couple of days off.

Sssst...

My colleagues organised a 'field trip' to Belgium's strongest beer brewery, Moortgat,  where they brew the infamous Duvel.

Went thru the entire factory, blablabla yiest, hop (family of marijuana), blabla..

Productconfrontation!
This means: tasting the product.

I tend to keep my alcohol consumption to an absolute minimum.
So.
I just took one, ONE, Duvel and since I'm still eating pretty 'clean' I could feel this little Devil sneaking up on me after two strong sips.

My head got light, my cheaks felt numb and I got the giggles.
Slept like a brick!

Ain't no sunshine

...when she's gone.

I've been spending this weekend without my Witch.
In this time, I have
- drank coffee.
- eaten meat.
- eaten eggs.
- been tempted to drink chocalte MILK (with extra sugar).

Obviously, I've 'used' her to distract me from this 'thing' in my belly that needs comfort through these crappy things.

On a happier note: I've been meditating on shamanic drum music.
On the floor.
Even introduced my children to it.
He laughed. She cried. Interesting.

AHO <3

There are two types of people

...while on Ayahuasca.

AHO <3

Throw back Saturday.

You came to me this morning and you handled me like meat.
You’d have to be a man to know how good that feels, how sweet.
My mirrored twin, my next of kin, I’d know you in my sleep and who but you would take me in, a thousand kisses deep.

I loved you when you opened like a lily to the heat, you see I’m just another snowman standing in the rain and sleet, who loved you with his frozen love, his second hand physique, with all he is, and all he was,
A thousand kisses deep.

I know you had to lie to me, I know you had to cheat, to pose all hot and high behind the veils of shear deceit, our perfect porn aristocrat so elegant and cheap, I’m old but I’m still into that,
A thousand kisses deep.

I’m good at love, I’m good at hate, it' s in between I freeze.
Been working out, but its too late, it’s been to late for years.
But you look good, you really do, they love you on the street.
If you were here I’d kneel for you,
a thousand kisses deep.

The autumn moved across your skin, got something in my eye, a light that doesn’t need to live, and doesn’t need to die.
A riddle in the book of love, obscure and obsolete, till witnessed here in time and blood,
A thousand kisses deep.

And I'm still working with the wine, still dancing cheek to cheek, the band is playing Auld Lang Syne, but the heart will not retreat.
I ran with Diz and I sang with Ray, I never had their sweep, but once or twice they let me play
A thousand kisses deep.

I loved you when you opened like a lily to the heat, you see, I'm just another snowman standing in the rain and sleet, who loved you with his frozen love, his second hand physique, with all he is, and all he was,
A thousand kisses deep.

But you don’t need to hear me now, and every word I speak, it counts against me anyhow,
A thousand kisses deep. 

AHO <3

First cup of coffee

...in over two weeks!

Look at it. Just. Look. At. It.

AHO <3

First night sleeping alone.

Buzzer goes off at 6am.
I hit the snooze till 7:30.
Don't know where I muster the energy to get up but, I do.
I stumble to the bathroom and drag my body under the hot water.
I start feeling like a human being again.
I get out and while drying myself I realise I feel I am depleted of all lust, passion and energy.

"Hit by a truck." -I think to myself.
"Not even a morning boner??" -I continue.

Strangly I begin to appreciate this weird pain.
It brings me all the way inside my body.
A sense of familiarity emerges.

Oatmeal breakfast "as usual".
Never thought I'd consider oatmeal breakfast to be usual.

I enjoy the warm meal filling my belly and I think.
"Maybe She got it. Maybe this is way She shows me that she unedrstands. This is how She makes me slow down and rest."

Damn this Girl is so extreem.
Thank God It's Friday!

AHO <3

Confidence

My hip feels better.
I can still feel some annoyance but my steps are more confident.

I again get in my autopilot mode.
This time I wasn't aware of it.
I prepped breakfast.
Ate alone and when Anna arrived, I went to take a shower.
She ate alone while I got dressed and then I asked her to finish her preparation so I could clean up.
Efficiency.
Right?
"Old pattern!" I realise.

Efficient, yes. Connecting, No.
I blame her. My Soul.
Again, no respect. No patience.
She chases me. Hurry! Faster!

18:50 Just did this.

 

AHO <3

She calls...

Had a veggie day.

While prepping our dinner I feel this deep longing.
For a smoke.

I guess I felt it all along but now I crave for it.

Prepped a hookah and tea.

Sat down and really relaxed.

The Silver Haze comes in much faster and much softer than before.
Everything relaxes in a matter of minutes.
I feel my head floating and I look "upwards".

"We (the Haze and I) are here to be as close as possible to You, Mother." - I contemplated.

Immediately I'm grabbed by the neck and the bright light energy from my groin rushesssssss up to my head and out of my eyes, pulling me up, up, up....almost in her presence.
Not fully.
We are still thankful.

The psoas tremors kick in.
No fear. I notice the tremors stop when I relax my mind in acceptance but the kick back in when I go into the feeling in my painful hip.

I get aware of the energy in my testicles.
It builds up and shoots thru my body upwards straight into the back of my eyes.
I see a vale of little dots and cones. The vale waves around and forms a ball. I'm inside my own left eye. I see the internal structure and mechanism of how the electrical signals are transfered into the blind spot, piercing thru the eyes' back and on it's way to the brain.
I remember crossing three membranes, each would change the electrical signal from pulses to stream to smoke until I reach the back of my brain with a series of horizontal lines of light.
These lines converged into a big flash over my whole brain and lead me back towards my eye.
This time I reach the muscles of my eye.
I can see they're dark, thin, fragile.
I look at them with Love.
I try to tend them with caresses. No.
With water. No.
With air? No!
With warmth?? No!!
Earth??? Aaahhh...Yeah!! the muscle says.
So I hold some earth against it. Immediately the muscle starts extracting elements from the soil and start regenerating.
I feel instant relaxation in my eyes and forehead.


Suddenly, I see a "play" in child-like drawings of a woman.
She lays in bed surrounded by dark energy/entity/thingies stimulating her sexually in every way imaginable.
She enjoys it.
She's ashamed of it.

I don't wait, I immediately approach her and get her to sit up straight to talk to me.
I look her in her eyes, touch her face and ask her.
"Who's shame is this?"
She looks away.
"Is it truly yours?" I continue.
She looks at me. Her eyes wide open and says "No" with a deep relief.
"No!" she continues. Convinced this time.
She takes a look to the bed, tries to go back but then she turns to me and smiles.
"I'm the light" she says while she sparks up like a little flame.

"How cute." -I think and suddenly she bursts into the most intense bright light lighting up the whole room thru my eyes.
This is where my tremors stop.
My quads fill up with the strong energy. It tights up my muscles without cramping them.
This feels like heaven.

AHO <3

Day off

We kinda wake up and...we decide to take a day off.

That afternoon we drive up to the Indian Coffeeshop in Eindhoven.
One hour ride of pure pleasure. Talking, remembering, laughing, analysing.
"One gram SSH please."
One hour ride back. Again, of pure pleasure. Talking, remembering, laughing, analysing.

Just before we arrive at home, I decide to go dancing.
She agrees and offers to give me a massage.
I am always willing to sacrifice myself...

So we get home, and she starts her heavenly routine on my body.
The phone rings. My daughter. Something about school...and I notice a reminder to pick up my passport... in 45minutes!
We round up the massage and I get in the bathroom.
Look at my face and head and...I don't know why but I decide to shave my head.
Fast.
So I cut myself. 3 times. For the first time in 18 months.
Damned. Again caught by an old pattern.

By the time I return from the mayors office, Anna had prepared an amazingly tasty dish based on kinoa, carrots, paprika and herbs.
Best. Taste. Ever!

She disappears to get ready for the dance and she reappears looking absolutely stunning wearing the most fitting white top immaginable.


We drive to the party.Yes, one hour of chit-chat again.
The setting is beautiful. Completely X-Mas style with little lights, colored girlands, shiny balls hanging from the ceiling.

We dance for about 1,5 hour and decide to drive back.

We agree: Next time we'll take a whole week off.
No sign of The Mother that night.

AHO <3

She visits.

Woke up and got on autopilot preparing breakfast.
Suddenly I catch myself cleaning up the living room and thinking "Nah, no coffee, just tea."
I remember that first spoon of warm chocolate oatmeal. Tasted like a gift from God.
My body was so happy!

While driving to work, Anna turns to me and says: "You know, I don't feel like I want coffee."
Ha! How funny.

At lunch I spontaneously go for the veggie meal. She chooses some pork meal.
She barely touches it.

Dinner: just mashed potatoes and carrots.
Simple.

I remember my sadness of yesterday.
I realised why I used to eat so fast as a kid and as a young man.
The Mother showed me an old pattern.
I get it.

We go to bed early.
For resting purposes....

I swear I was almost asleep when a large female character with slim athletic figure and  war-like amazonian leather outfit appeared and stood right above my head.
Her face was unrecognizable. Black.
She held my head between her ankles and looked down on me...
Then, with a FAST bow, she leans in close to my face showing her scary monstreous self to me in an attempt to scare me.
I got goose-bumps.
The Shaman's voice sounded: "You sure love your goose bumps, don't ya?".

I lay awake and nervous in bed.
I feel like getting up.
Leaving.
So i went downstairs.
Feeling lonely.
"An old pattern again" -I realise.

AHO <3

The day after.

We wake up to the most glorious golden autumn morning.
The sky is dark steel blue.
The sun colors the remaining leaves of the tall trees in warm brown-yellow-orange and gold.

Perfect.

We clean up the ceremonial place and walk to the kitchen where a fantastic breakfast is prepared.
Of course, Anna and I had only some bread and honey, some fruit and tea.

The 'talking stick' goes around.
So many AHO's...
My turn.
All I could say was: "I fell in love with my ego. <laughing> Aho!"

One by one the participants depart.
We hear so many experiences. We don't want to leave yet.
We stay until noon. We get to know the sitters even better.

We decide to depart. Driving away I notice my car has a flat tire.
No panic. Inflate at first gas station.

We arrive in Antwerpen and we decide to have our favorite burger!
I swear.
Never ever did a burger Taste. So. Good!!
But the swallowing was different.
I felt a deep deep profound sadness in my stomach.
I was fascinated by it.
And of course, we went dancing.

Needless to say this had some consequences.
The meat just wouldn't digest and a pain got hold of my stomach.
I lied on my bed. Cried. Got up. Walked around the house. This reminded me of an old pattern. This is how I felt during my marriage.
Weird.

AHO <3

D-Day: The Journey

The colors
The patterns
The laughing
The shaking
The crawling
The crying
The bliss

I went so deep, the Shaman had to come over to my mattress and bring me back.
I was greatful for his concern but angry that he pulled me out of this bliss.
I redecent.

I saw how the beat of my tremors in my psoas resemble the gallop of a horse.
"Why am I riding this white horse so hard?" I thought.

This horse is so fast.
Feels like it's flying.
It's heaves don't touch the ground.

"Wait a minute! I AM THE FREAKING WHITE HORSE!" I realised.
"Who THE FUCK is riding me!?"
I look up and I see my soul.
My OWN soul!
Riding me like a maniac!
She was obviously in a hurry. Yes, SHE!
She was not fleeding. It was as if she was riding of to battle.
No patience.
No compassion for the pains in this body.
No Fucking Respect!
!!!THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO TREAT ME!!!
I got so furious my muscles spased out. She noticed!

After a lot of laughing...

I realised the galopping of the horse is simular to the tail's shaking of a sperm.
A sperm is always in a rush.

AHO <3

D-Day

This is it.
No breakfast.
Just nettle tea with honey.

Picked up my brother. He seems not enthusiastic about his coming 2nd experience.

Arrived somewhat early at the ceremony center.
Shaman Bert received us in a typical Dutch hospitality.

The ceremonial room was still cold.
So we dance on Perfect Darkness.

We are early so we have plenty of time to introduce ourselves.
I even get to explain why 18/11 is so special to me.
Later on, 7 more participants and 2 sitters arrive.
Getting to know each other and having some tea to distract from the nagging belly.
We pull a card as a guide in our journey.
I pull "UNFREEDOM"
This resonates sooooo strongly.
All I could think was 'I pulled the best card!!"

We do some exercises on "feeling aura's".
Definitely not my brother's favorite kind of thing!
We install our mattresses. Don't lay next to someone you know.

Two drummers join us and setup their equipment.
We sit down for a moment of drum mediation.
This is where I go into my first little trance.
The energy from my lap shoots up on the beating of the drums and rushes thru my body outwards rising up ALL my hair in this ecstatic goose-bumps-feeling.
I love this.

Meanwhile the camp fire is been lit outside.
I love camp fires.
We sit in a circle around it. I take place facing the wind. Getting all the smoke. All the warmth.
The IMAO inhibitor is served.
We hold the glass against our heart in acceptance and love.
I feel a resistance but I'm not aware of it. Yet.
I drink it. Ad fundum. Tastes like earth. I've drank similar things in the past. No problem.

After 5 minutes the DMT potion is served.
Again, pouring love to the drink, I feel like I can't hold it close enough.
Ad fundum!
Everybody reacts in disgust.
I am reminded of the taste of my mom's nipple. Nuf said.

My brother starts puking almost immediately. He suffers. My compassion distracts me.
Anna is sitting like a pro. She looks like she is challenging The Mother.
We are now almost 5 minutes in and I realize my body is demanding my attention.
I turn inwards to console it and to reassure it...
That's when the feeling of vertigo kicks in and I start puking.
I hug myself and focus completely on my stomach and the pain.
Accepting it. Loving it. It helps...I think....
The Shaman comes over and sits next to me.
He lifts my chest with his left hand and with his right hand he touches the base of my spine. This releases the last bit of stucked puke.
It burnnnnsssss in my throat.
The taste of metal is hard to flush away with water.
I feel stable and walk inside to find my little mattress.

AHO <3

Ready.

The day flew by.
We went dancing. :)

Just another Thursday

Breakfast as usual.
Hurma for snack.
Veggies for lunch.

Spaghetti + veggies for dinner.

Salsa for dessert.

Getting impatient now...

Not only to reach the ceremony.
But also at others.
Especially that one colleague who dared to cross the line and eat my stuff.

I crucified him.
Poor guy.
Sorry.

Comforting is needed.

The nettle tea I got from my brother works like a charm.
It offers a warm comforting feeling at breakfast.

I reflect on my "intent".
The pain in my hip is demanding my attention.
So I decide to give it what it wants.
I'll go into the ceremony with the intend focussed on my pelvis and hips.

Ever heard of the muscle of the soul?

Of course we went dancing.

Speeding up.

Things start feeling 'normal' by now.
The head ache is almost gone.
The reflex of wanting to walk to the coffee machine is only kicking in once or twice.
My gut feels clean and empty.

My meat.

While preparing breakfast, I look at my Anna and I realize why I don't seem to have a problem leaving meat out of my diet.

She. Is. My. Meat.

One more week...

I realise by now that I am so addicted to my habits.
They make me feel safe.
In control.

All lies.

Buzzzz

It's been 3 days now.
And this buzzing head ache is still there.
Annoying me.
Claiming my attention.
Craving for a cup of coffee...

Not even nutts!

This diet is annoying.

I used to have some almonds as a snack.
Not anymore.
Even the almond milk had to be replaced. By oatmeal-milk.

What the f is oatmeal milk?

Oatmeal

Don't let it's name fool you.
It doesn't feel anything like a 'meal'.

The meals at the company's restaurant are not good enough anymore.

Raw veggies it is, from now on.

Don't feel like dancing.

Bitter Tuesday.

I receive that email.

The email with instructions from the ceremony center.
OMG!
No coffee??
No tiramine? What is that stuff?
Turns out it's almost in everything.

No citrus. This means you practically can eat only hurma. This is my new best friend.

Keep dancing.

Breakfast: cereal, again...
Veggie food at company's restaurant. No cheese please.

Attended Kizomba lessons.

Lazy sunday.

Breakfast, Hookah and Super Silver Haze all day long.

Dinner: Eggplant-cougette-potato stew from the day before.
Tastes even better.
 

Alla is coming!

We're expecting a friend.

She'll arrive aound 4pm.
So, sleep in till 11am, late breakfast: cereal with chocolate and almond milk.

Drove to the airport, picked her up and went to a local fair to show her the local foods, traditions etc.

We had fries and 'oliebollen'. Felt like cheating but it's all non-animal based...I think.

Went for salsa dancing!
This eggplant and courgettes soup is pure power food. :)

Act normal.

All goes well. :)

Breakfast and lunch as usual.
Prepped 3 veggie meals for the coming days because "no time to loose"...

We go dancing! :)

Here comes the veggie.

I remember the last time I tried veggies only.
It made me feel miserable: anxious, lonely and "not enough".

This time the idea doesn't frighten me.

No meat for breakfast. Just bread, honey, Nutella,
Veggie meal at work.
Eggplant stew for dinner.
No suppliment pills.

Prepping

Keep it simple: veggies only. I can do this! :)

Now, Kizomba! :)