How Ayahuasca feels like...

<3

My Dark Knight of the Soul.

I have listened innumerous times to Trevor Ilesley and his lay out of the Dark Knight of the Soul.
I just listened to this interview with Rachel Harris on Ayahuasca and...

Epiphany!

My Dark Knight manifested to me in The Mirror.

AHO. <3 

The Labyrinth

While watching prof. Jordan B. Peterson's Biblical Series I notice this picture and more specific the labyrinth at the bottom.

I remember seeing (but forgot to mention) exactly the same labyrinth during the Mirror episode when I fell down.
Just before I gathered my self and got up to leave the room, my inner eye got a glimpse of this structure.

AHO <3

Acceptance

This morning, just before I woke up, I had a dream.

I saw the cutest little male parrot.

Standing in front of me.
He was holding a seed in his beak.
He was trying to feed it to me.
As a gift.
So he moved his soft feathered throat over my neck.
It felt soft and warm.
I felt small, humble and greatful.
As I looked up and accepted the seed from his beak, a warm flooding feeling flushed up my body and woke me up...

My heart...

...buzzes, like an electric static field.
This image came to my mind while under SSH.

Gray
Metalic
Static
Elecric
Powerful
Present and hidden at the same time.

The beach episode.

I look down at my own bare feet.
I'm standing on a golden beach.
I feel a bit chubby. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
My toes are burried in the sand and I keep pulling them out and digging them back in.
Feels fun and warm.
I see how the sand flows up and down while a hole is been digged.
Then...
My vision starts zooming in on the sand just out of the reach of my toes, towards quite and peaceful part of the sand.
The zoom launches me to one specific sand grain, throws me inside that grain and I arrive in a space overseeing millions of galaxies.
The zooming keeps going until I get to see our Earth.
As a blue ball.

Apparantly Mother Ayahuasca is no Flat Earther.

When I think about drinking Ayahuasca...

I ate my hurma around 10am.
Nice juicy snack.
Followed by a coffee and...
...a burp, which shot my memory right back to Saturday, around the campfire.
These two had made an evil alliance in my belly and had mixed their taste and smell into the essence of the Ayahuasca potion.

Almost hurled.

Visiting The Mother with Super Silver Haze.

This is what I saw:

Just before you get incarnated, you descent as a thin thread towards this dimension.
Wether it is after death or a fresh incarnation, you get to choose "how" you get connected and which emotional path you will attach yourself to.
Excitement or fear.
So, the feeling in your belly -the fysical atachment at your umbilical cord- will remind you of your initial choice: Joy or Fear.
Then you go all thru the fiber of space, time. From a very thin silky thread to more complex firm thread, combined from other threads.
Inside the thread, the Flower of Life structure is maintened over and over again, expanding the width of the threads.

Those threads arrange in a torrus field structure, functioning like tubes, spiraling around until they start forming the first matter in the form of a littlle cradle.
This cradle contains your first little escence of your 'self'. The cradle is placed on a rollercoaster-like track. It has an extension which can bind to the track but only if the hook of the track fit perfectly.
Until then, the cradle rushes violently down the track, reducing the possibilities to actual concieve a body for this little soul.
The fast track feels frightening for the little soul.
It can feel the falling and hear the failling clicks of the hook.
The soul doesn't know what will happen to it if it fails to connect.
So it sits there in fear.
So i decided to go and console the little spirit.
"Don't worry" I told it. "If it doesn't hook, it will be fantastic, and if it DOES hook, it will be even more fantastic! Don't be affraid. Look outside. Look at how you are falling.".
Then the little spirit smiled at me and got aware of the exciting feeling in his belly.

That's when the fear in my belly transformed into pure excitement.

I can still smell her.

She's in my skin.
She's in my glands.
She hides her bitterness in my cup of coffee.
And with colorful maple shaped fractals
She reaches me her hands.

I'm the Master of the Universe!

This was the explamation playing in my head right after I jumped out of our love-making bed.

Also found an eplanation for why we say:
"It feels strange." 
In all languages I speak.

The true meaning of the term Motherfucker.
"Executing a pure selfish action with very little personal gain while not showing any form of added value or creativity."

I fell in love with this Dounia

I just want to eat.
To feel.
To drink.
To consume!
To consumate. <3

I exercised my quads. I used to hate that. I loved it today.

I got a chance to even talk to my daughter about last weekend and explain to her that she and her brother have the right and that I would provide the best set and setting for them if they would decide to get the Knowledge.

Even had pizza with pineapple (haters gonna hate) and Coca Cola and coffee!

Aftermath

At the breakfast table, I eat much more than I did last time.
But, I'm not a fan of broccoli soup.
Anna gets bitten by the black cat living in that place.
Nice way to end this ceremony.

We explicitly take some time to talk and connect with GJ.
We love this young man.
He showed so much respect during the journey.
Maybe we can adopt him.
Huehuehue.

As soon as I feel sober enough we leave.
During the ride home Anna flushes ALL of her experience on me.
Here it is: http://supranna.blogspot.be/2017/12/ayahuasca-ceremony-122017.html

We get home and devour the chicken soup I had prepared just before the weekend.
Best.
Soup.
EVER!!

I still love the feeling of gratitude and joy of eating a full decent meal after 2 weeks of following the strict diet.

Lessons learned:
-Double check which Shamans will be present.
-Double check which Shaman will travel along.
-Double check the percentage male/female participants.
-Speak up when the 'connecting' exercise is not really 'connecting'.

With respect and gratitude,
AHO!

I crave for the 3D Reality.

This bombarding of testosteron has bound me to this incarnation.
This Dounia.

I eat as much of the provided fruits as possible.
Pure gluttony.

I catch myself wondering what time it is....for the 5th time.
So I step outside.
I look up and see the clearest night sky.
Ursa Minor. Bright!
I follow the direction to Polaris. Clear.
Drago on the left...beautiful.

I step to my car.
Everything is frozen. I can barely open the door.
Start the engine, dim the lights, it's 6o'clock sharp.
I wait a bit and walk back inside. As I step in the workshop room I notice the dense air.
I smell Ayahuasca.
It repels me.
I return to my car and enjoy the worldly pleasure of the heated seating.
Pure joy and comfort.

Around 8o,clock I get this feeling.
"I'm alone."
"Anna is alone!!"
I run Forrest-Gump-style back to the room and crawl gently against her.
She is obviously playful and frisky as she sees me.

I must be your personal Saviour.

I get on my matress again.

Reloaded.
Ready for what is to come.

Suddenly I remember.
"Tell me, what are the winning lotery numbers?" I ask and...before me, out of the pebbles of a flower, emerges a huge white dice.
It's sides where rounded, as if it was used, thrown, a kazillion times.
On the surface of the sides you could barely distinguish which cipher was written.
En the ciphers themselves where put upside down, rotated.
Several ciphers appeared on the same side!
"Well, thank you!" I laughed.

Then, I see my children.
"This is mine" I tell myself.
I see how they have become what they are by their own power and the contamination of society, of my bullshit...
He, is my first.
She, is my first second...and...my second first!
I find that an amusing thought...
It makes me cry.
I love those tears.

While enjoying this warm moment I get the most painful feeling of this ceremony.
A stabbing pain overtakes me and sends all my attention to my right side, at my liver.
I collapse from the pain.
"Not mine!" I whisper.
"It's Ok, Release it. Forgive them. They don't know what they're doing. They were also mistreated."

I realize I sound like Jesus WTF Christ. He got stabbed while hanging on the cross. On the right side.

As soon as I form this thought, I receive a blow on the right side of my neck!
So painful!
I begged for the others to release it.
To forgive their enemies.
But this one...wouldn't go away...
It reduced a the Medicine started to fade out.

Bad vibes.

I walk outside and I see my Anna standing next to the 'New Shaman'.
I'm so happy to see her.
I see she feels my presence.
At the same time I notice by her posture that she is not happy to be there.
The presence of this Shaman is bothering her.
I approach them.
The Shaman opens his arms to welcome me.
I recognize he is not "there".
It's a fake hug.
By reflex I hug him and immediately I scald at him.
"Go away! You stink like fucking tobacco!"
Anna laughs. She gets it.
He excuses himself and returns inside.
I look at Anna. She looks frightened.
I try to get her to talk.
"I can't" she said. "I don't have the words but it's NOT good!"

At this point, I'm still oblivious to what is REALLY going on.
She is clearly more aware of the mess we got ourselves in this time.

I get cold so I return inside.
She insists to stay outside.

The mirror

As the Shaman helps me getting up he reminds me.
"You have something to do" and he helps me getting in front of the mirror.

I thank him for reminding me as I take a look to the reflection.

As I approach the mirror I feel a certain pain in my belly. I am convinced it's because I need to go to the toilet so I ignore it for a moment.

I smile at myself. The reflection doesn't smile back...owwwkey
Then it replies with the most stingy smiles.

The forehead of the reflection seems frozen. Doesn't move.
Now, the jaw seems frozen.
I look into my eyes and the reflection's left side remains unchanged. The right side's eye suddenly turns in dark black & blue. I recognize Anna's eye and a smurk.
The Shaman sees this as a sign and asks me to get dressed to go outside.
I tell him "wait, I'm not ready here yet." because that feeling in my belly...was PULLING me inside the mirror. So deep through my eyes that I saw the reflections right side turn pitch black like ashes and fade away while the mouth took the most hideous mocking smile.
This triggers the feeling in my belly to transform into an exploding ball of yellow fire, rising from my legs over my back and on my head, slamming my body violently on the floor.

Sitting there, collapsed, I saw the fabric of space. I was covered by the feeling of love. I reconnect to myself and I get up.
I reassure the Shaman that I'm fine and...I take a second look.
This time the reflection looks like me. At first.
Then, the same right side starts changing.
It elongates a bit.
It rises it's eyebrow in a mocking way and clearly asks me:
"DID YOU LIKE IT?"

I get the joke.
I laugh so hard!
It's all a joke!

I walk outside.

The second shot: Into the abyss

I'm sitting straight up.
Very consiounce.
I see the Shaman in front of me.
He is there but not really "there". I understand that it is because he hadn't drank the Medicine. He is an outsider.
I again take the mixed potion in both hand.
I wait...

As I pour it down I feel a resistance...I force it down.
I'm a man dammit!

Instantly! BANG! Full catapult into the higher realm.
This trip connects me with every single member in the room.
I get hit in the stomach so many times, I lost count of my pukes.
At the second puke I realize I'm puking 'for someone else'.
I figured out they, the other members, where not doing their own work. They were spreading aggressively their shit around and apparently I had volunteered to clean up the mess.
Yeah, I'm a hero. Sacrificing myself. I'm a good boy.
Meanwhile, I'm hurting like hell.
Feeling an attack. Analyze it and giving out loud instructions to the owner of that pain.
Telling them: "release it", "it's not yours",  "you are valuable", "you do matter", "you are good" until they would finally release it by puking, spitting, crying or laughing.
After every release, a psoas-shaking would start as a sort of reloading of energy.
"Liars, liars..." I whispered. "All little dirty secret liars..."
Then, repeat!

This went on and on...

Then I saw the participant with the most experience get up and casually walk outside.
"Coward!" I yelled. "Leaving us alone to handle this".
This made me so ANGRY that both Shamans had to come to calm me down with smoke and water. There I realized none of those two where "there" and I knew the 3rd Shaman was also not "there". So suddenly it dawned upon me that we (Anna and I) where alone in this mess.

I look at her.
She looks like she is struggling but doesn't move her body. Just her head and eyes. Something is going on damned. I feel I need to connect with her.
I need fresh air!
So I get up to go outside and the Shaman comes to help me.

Business as usual

I got the chance to lay in the same corner I laid last time.
I love this place.
Feels safe and powerful.

I get on my little matress and I wait. And wait. And...Nothing.
I feel nothing.
The drummers are playing and I'm gazing at them and at the Shamans.
Bored.
Utterly bored.
No colors. No dizziness...
I see people staring to struggle.

Then, I see the man in front of me reaching out to the sky with his right hand.
This triggers something inside me and the colors appear.
I lay down and see a hand formed out of blue smoke reach for me.
I grab it with both hand and it dissolves.
This triggers an innumerable amount of hide-and-seek episodes interrupted by heavy psoas-shaking.
It is exhausting and very familiar.

Suddenly I find myself sitting up right and the Shaman offers me a second potion.

Taking the Medicine

Around the campfire, the female drummer is making me feel comfortable with her rithms.
One of the Shamans lights up a ceremonial cigar and puffs over our heads for blessings and protection.
I'm suprised to make out my name while he is giving his blessings.

The potion with the MAO inhibitor is handed out.
It starts raining very softly. "These are Anna's protectors" I recall. I see as a good sign. Anna though is slightly alarmed by this. Why are they here? Already. So soon!

I hold the potion in both hands. It's cold. The glass feels frozen. I try to warm it up but my hands are also cold. I wait and rub softly on the glass to make the potion easier acceptable for my system.
Meanwhile, the male drummer sneaks up behind me. I felt him. He didn't surprise me.
He tells me he will help me and puts his hand on my lower back.
I accept his good intention and allow it to calm me down.

I drink.
The taste is familiar but not as strong as the first time.
I feel it descend and delude.
"Good"
The rain stops.

Then I notice this guy...he is smoking a fucking cigarette. Throws it casually into the campfire.
My campfire!
OUR! campfire!!
This is not a fucking dumpster you arrogant idiot!
You had to follow a strict diet for 2 weeks but leaving out a smoke for a day is too much to ask?
WTF?

After 5 minutes, the second potion comes around.
Also cold.
The drummer puts his hands on my shoulders. I don't think much of it...
I drink.
The campfire collpses.
It starts pouring  heavily.
I remain calm and wait for it.
Wait for it...but nothing happens.
No one pukes.
This reassures me.

We walk inside.

Drum meditation.

Just like our first experience, a month ago, this mediation was provided by a lovely couple.
I love their sounds.
I love what they bring, and...
This time I noticed some struggle between them.
A dissonance.
When one was talking, the other would show signs of disagreement and discomfort.

I ask them if they would be so kind as to join us this time during the drinking at the campfire and drum while we consume the Medicine.
They agreed, to my utter joy!

I try to relax during the drum session. Doesn't really happen. I feel their tension. Something is going on...

After the beautiful drumming we step outside.
The drummer tells me he has to give me something before I drink.
Well, give me something and take something,he said.
I asked "what?".
He replied: "I have to take away some of your ego".
At this point I'm laughing like a maniac inside. Here is he with his ego trying to save me from my ego...HILARIOUS!!!
I keep a straight face and ask him: "Did you bringa couple of buckets, because I have enough for EVERYONE here!" :) :) :)

We walk to the campfire...

Introduction by arching.

In retrospect, this was our Shaman's first miscalculation.
He introduced a 'release exercise' by using a bow and arrow.

You stand firmly in the right direction.
You close your eyes.
You stretch the bow.
You put your intention into the arrow.
RELEASE the arrow.
And with it release the emotional load you put in it.
Of course, it doesn't matter how far the arrow shoots.
But.
This is a 95% men's group.
Automatically this supposed to be releasing exercise became a silent competition, fueling a lot of testosteron into the group.
We were freezing while waiting in line which made all of us pretty impatient.
This was felt by every shooter.

All this didn't bring the group closer to each other. Nor did it create space for respect, patience, understanding and warmth for each other.

Ayahuasca Ceremony

We arrive around 2:30.
First!
Got a chance to talk to the Shaman in private and ask him to trust me a bit more than the last time so I can go even in a deeper trip.
He agreed, having seen me earlier and knowing my personality slightly better.
I ask him to remind me to look into the mirror. Also no problem.

All participants arrive.
Only two ladies participate. The lay-Shaman doesn't count for she didn't drink. Nor does the gay guy laying next to me. Or does he?

I feel the sexual imbalance but at least there are a lot of experienced people.I feel reassured.

The group card, this time, is INTUITION.
I'm trying to connect with that.
My card is POSITIVE FUTURE

I look at Anna...

AHO!

Saladelic

My salads, are never this funny.

T-1 : Just having oatmeal and rice today.

Let's have a technical meeting, they said.

It will be fun, they said...

We'll order some pizza, drink a beer, talk about tech stuff...

 

 I felt so tempted.

Meat? What Meat?

I noticed that my appetie for flessssshhh (and I do mean eatable meat) is so diminished.

I do crave for sweet fruits and chocolate.

This damned headache!

...is finally over.

It started right after we returned from Ukrain.
The meat, the sugar, the cafeine...

Withdrawal symptoms, again.

Strawberries are allowed??

STRAWBERRIES ARE ALLOWED!!

(No tyramine)

Lifts & tricks

Today we joined a workshop in Brussels aimed to learn about lifts & tricks.

I'm curious.
Can I still do this?
I AM OLLLD you know...
...and on Ayahuasca's diet which did pinch of a couple of kilo's since the beginning of November.

I loved the powerful workout.
My body wants more of it.
My souls feels connected while playing.
So much fun! :)

So jealous...

...of my kids.

They are eating. The. Most. Fantastic spaghetti bolognese I EVER prepared!!

...while we chew on kinoa and carrots...

#FML

Preparing for Ayahuasca Part 2

Next session is planned for Decemeber 16th.

Looking forward to it. :)
Meanwhile, we have a festival in Brussels to attend while respecting the strict diet.

I'm so gonna pay for all the Borsj I ate.

and the wine
and the grease
and the meat
and the coffeeeeeee.

We're off to Ukrain!

We postponing the diet.
Kinda.
We'll try.
Not really tho.
:p