I found Mother Ayahuasca...

All credits to Tania J Swan - By Laolu Senbanjo

This X-Mas will be lit A.F.

New Ayahuasca session has been planned.
Next D-Day : 15/12 !

It will be a weekend-session with 2 'shots'.


I feel so excited about his! :) :) :)
Maybe I should plan a couple of days off.

Sssst...

My colleagues organised a 'field trip' to Belgium's strongest beer brewery, Moortgat,  where they brew the infamous Duvel.

Went thru the entire factory, blablabla yiest, hop (family of marijuana), blabla..

Productconfrontation!
This means: tasting the product.

I tend to keep my alcohol consumption to an absolute minimum.
So.
I just took one, ONE, Duvel and since I'm still eating pretty 'clean' I could feel this little Devil sneaking up on me after two strong sips.

My head got light, my cheaks felt numb and I got the giggles.
Slept like a brick!

Ain't no sunshine

...when she's gone.

I've been spending this weekend without my Witch.
In this time, I have
- drank coffee.
- eaten meat.
- eaten eggs.
- been tempted to drink chocalte MILK (with extra sugar).

Obviously, I've 'used' her to distract me from this 'thing' in my belly that needs comfort through these crappy things.

On a happier note: I've been meditating on shamanic drum music.
On the floor.
Even introduced my children to it.
He laughed. She cried. Interesting.

AHO <3

There are two types of people

...while on Ayahuasca.

AHO <3

Throw back Saturday.

You came to me this morning and you handled me like meat.
You’d have to be a man to know how good that feels, how sweet.
My mirrored twin, my next of kin, I’d know you in my sleep and who but you would take me in, a thousand kisses deep.

I loved you when you opened like a lily to the heat, you see I’m just another snowman standing in the rain and sleet, who loved you with his frozen love, his second hand physique, with all he is, and all he was,
A thousand kisses deep.

I know you had to lie to me, I know you had to cheat, to pose all hot and high behind the veils of shear deceit, our perfect porn aristocrat so elegant and cheap, I’m old but I’m still into that,
A thousand kisses deep.

I’m good at love, I’m good at hate, it' s in between I freeze.
Been working out, but its too late, it’s been to late for years.
But you look good, you really do, they love you on the street.
If you were here I’d kneel for you,
a thousand kisses deep.

The autumn moved across your skin, got something in my eye, a light that doesn’t need to live, and doesn’t need to die.
A riddle in the book of love, obscure and obsolete, till witnessed here in time and blood,
A thousand kisses deep.

And I'm still working with the wine, still dancing cheek to cheek, the band is playing Auld Lang Syne, but the heart will not retreat.
I ran with Diz and I sang with Ray, I never had their sweep, but once or twice they let me play
A thousand kisses deep.

I loved you when you opened like a lily to the heat, you see, I'm just another snowman standing in the rain and sleet, who loved you with his frozen love, his second hand physique, with all he is, and all he was,
A thousand kisses deep.

But you don’t need to hear me now, and every word I speak, it counts against me anyhow,
A thousand kisses deep. 

AHO <3

First cup of coffee

...in over two weeks!

Look at it. Just. Look. At. It.

AHO <3

First night sleeping alone.

Buzzer goes off at 6am.
I hit the snooze till 7:30.
Don't know where I muster the energy to get up but, I do.
I stumble to the bathroom and drag my body under the hot water.
I start feeling like a human being again.
I get out and while drying myself I realise I feel I am depleted of all lust, passion and energy.

"Hit by a truck." -I think to myself.
"Not even a morning boner??" -I continue.

Strangly I begin to appreciate this weird pain.
It brings me all the way inside my body.
A sense of familiarity emerges.

Oatmeal breakfast "as usual".
Never thought I'd consider oatmeal breakfast to be usual.

I enjoy the warm meal filling my belly and I think.
"Maybe She got it. Maybe this is way She shows me that she unedrstands. This is how She makes me slow down and rest."

Damn this Girl is so extreem.
Thank God It's Friday!

AHO <3

Confidence

My hip feels better.
I can still feel some annoyance but my steps are more confident.

I again get in my autopilot mode.
This time I wasn't aware of it.
I prepped breakfast.
Ate alone and when Anna arrived, I went to take a shower.
She ate alone while I got dressed and then I asked her to finish her preparation so I could clean up.
Efficiency.
Right?
"Old pattern!" I realise.

Efficient, yes. Connecting, No.
I blame her. My Soul.
Again, no respect. No patience.
She chases me. Hurry! Faster!

18:50 Just did this.

 

AHO <3

She calls...

Had a veggie day.

While prepping our dinner I feel this deep longing.
For a smoke.

I guess I felt it all along but now I crave for it.

Prepped a hookah and tea.

Sat down and really relaxed.

The Silver Haze comes in much faster and much softer than before.
Everything relaxes in a matter of minutes.
I feel my head floating and I look "upwards".

"We (the Haze and I) are here to be as close as possible to You, Mother." - I contemplated.

Immediately I'm grabbed by the neck and the bright light energy from my groin rushesssssss up to my head and out of my eyes, pulling me up, up, up....almost in her presence.
Not fully.
We are still thankful.

The psoas tremors kick in.
No fear. I notice the tremors stop when I relax my mind in acceptance but the kick back in when I go into the feeling in my painful hip.

I get aware of the energy in my testicles.
It builds up and shoots thru my body upwards straight into the back of my eyes.
I see a vale of little dots and cones. The vale waves around and forms a ball. I'm inside my own left eye. I see the internal structure and mechanism of how the electrical signals are transfered into the blind spot, piercing thru the eyes' back and on it's way to the brain.
I remember crossing three membranes, each would change the electrical signal from pulses to stream to smoke until I reach the back of my brain with a series of horizontal lines of light.
These lines converged into a big flash over my whole brain and lead me back towards my eye.
This time I reach the muscles of my eye.
I can see they're dark, thin, fragile.
I look at them with Love.
I try to tend them with caresses. No.
With water. No.
With air? No!
With warmth?? No!!
Earth??? Aaahhh...Yeah!! the muscle says.
So I hold some earth against it. Immediately the muscle starts extracting elements from the soil and start regenerating.
I feel instant relaxation in my eyes and forehead.


Suddenly, I see a "play" in child-like drawings of a woman.
She lays in bed surrounded by dark energy/entity/thingies stimulating her sexually in every way imaginable.
She enjoys it.
She's ashamed of it.

I don't wait, I immediately approach her and get her to sit up straight to talk to me.
I look her in her eyes, touch her face and ask her.
"Who's shame is this?"
She looks away.
"Is it truly yours?" I continue.
She looks at me. Her eyes wide open and says "No" with a deep relief.
"No!" she continues. Convinced this time.
She takes a look to the bed, tries to go back but then she turns to me and smiles.
"I'm the light" she says while she sparks up like a little flame.

"How cute." -I think and suddenly she bursts into the most intense bright light lighting up the whole room thru my eyes.
This is where my tremors stop.
My quads fill up with the strong energy. It tights up my muscles without cramping them.
This feels like heaven.

AHO <3

Day off

We kinda wake up and...we decide to take a day off.

That afternoon we drive up to the Indian Coffeeshop in Eindhoven.
One hour ride of pure pleasure. Talking, remembering, laughing, analysing.
"One gram SSH please."
One hour ride back. Again, of pure pleasure. Talking, remembering, laughing, analysing.

Just before we arrive at home, I decide to go dancing.
She agrees and offers to give me a massage.
I am always willing to sacrifice myself...

So we get home, and she starts her heavenly routine on my body.
The phone rings. My daughter. Something about school...and I notice a reminder to pick up my passport... in 45minutes!
We round up the massage and I get in the bathroom.
Look at my face and head and...I don't know why but I decide to shave my head.
Fast.
So I cut myself. 3 times. For the first time in 18 months.
Damned. Again caught by an old pattern.

By the time I return from the mayors office, Anna had prepared an amazingly tasty dish based on kinoa, carrots, paprika and herbs.
Best. Taste. Ever!

She disappears to get ready for the dance and she reappears looking absolutely stunning wearing the most fitting white top immaginable.


We drive to the party.Yes, one hour of chit-chat again.
The setting is beautiful. Completely X-Mas style with little lights, colored girlands, shiny balls hanging from the ceiling.

We dance for about 1,5 hour and decide to drive back.

We agree: Next time we'll take a whole week off.
No sign of The Mother that night.

AHO <3

She visits.

Woke up and got on autopilot preparing breakfast.
Suddenly I catch myself cleaning up the living room and thinking "Nah, no coffee, just tea."
I remember that first spoon of warm chocolate oatmeal. Tasted like a gift from God.
My body was so happy!

While driving to work, Anna turns to me and says: "You know, I don't feel like I want coffee."
Ha! How funny.

At lunch I spontaneously go for the veggie meal. She chooses some pork meal.
She barely touches it.

Dinner: just mashed potatoes and carrots.
Simple.

I remember my sadness of yesterday.
I realised why I used to eat so fast as a kid and as a young man.
The Mother showed me an old pattern.
I get it.

We go to bed early.
For resting purposes....

I swear I was almost asleep when a large female character with slim athletic figure and  war-like amazonian leather outfit appeared and stood right above my head.
Her face was unrecognizable. Black.
She held my head between her ankles and looked down on me...
Then, with a FAST bow, she leans in close to my face showing her scary monstreous self to me in an attempt to scare me.
I got goose-bumps.
The Shaman's voice sounded: "You sure love your goose bumps, don't ya?".

I lay awake and nervous in bed.
I feel like getting up.
Leaving.
So i went downstairs.
Feeling lonely.
"An old pattern again" -I realise.

AHO <3

The day after.

We wake up to the most glorious golden autumn morning.
The sky is dark steel blue.
The sun colors the remaining leaves of the tall trees in warm brown-yellow-orange and gold.

Perfect.

We clean up the ceremonial place and walk to the kitchen where a fantastic breakfast is prepared.
Of course, Anna and I had only some bread and honey, some fruit and tea.

The 'talking stick' goes around.
So many AHO's...
My turn.
All I could say was: "I fell in love with my ego. <laughing> Aho!"

One by one the participants depart.
We hear so many experiences. We don't want to leave yet.
We stay until noon. We get to know the sitters even better.

We decide to depart. Driving away I notice my car has a flat tire.
No panic. Inflate at first gas station.

We arrive in Antwerpen and we decide to have our favorite burger!
I swear.
Never ever did a burger Taste. So. Good!!
But the swallowing was different.
I felt a deep deep profound sadness in my stomach.
I was fascinated by it.
And of course, we went dancing.

Needless to say this had some consequences.
The meat just wouldn't digest and a pain got hold of my stomach.
I lied on my bed. Cried. Got up. Walked around the house. This reminded me of an old pattern. This is how I felt during my marriage.
Weird.

AHO <3

D-Day: The Journey

The colors
The patterns
The laughing
The shaking
The crawling
The crying
The bliss

I went so deep, the Shaman had to come over to my mattress and bring me back.
I was greatful for his concern but angry that he pulled me out of this bliss.
I redecent.

I saw how the beat of my tremors in my psoas resemble the gallop of a horse.
"Why am I riding this white horse so hard?" I thought.

This horse is so fast.
Feels like it's flying.
It's heaves don't touch the ground.

"Wait a minute! I AM THE FREAKING WHITE HORSE!" I realised.
"Who THE FUCK is riding me!?"
I look up and I see my soul.
My OWN soul!
Riding me like a maniac!
She was obviously in a hurry. Yes, SHE!
She was not fleeding. It was as if she was riding of to battle.
No patience.
No compassion for the pains in this body.
No Fucking Respect!
!!!THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO TREAT ME!!!
I got so furious my muscles spased out. She noticed!

After a lot of laughing...

I realised the galopping of the horse is simular to the tail's shaking of a sperm.
A sperm is always in a rush.

AHO <3

D-Day

This is it.
No breakfast.
Just nettle tea with honey.

Picked up my brother. He seems not enthusiastic about his coming 2nd experience.

Arrived somewhat early at the ceremony center.
Shaman Bert received us in a typical Dutch hospitality.

The ceremonial room was still cold.
So we dance on Perfect Darkness.

We are early so we have plenty of time to introduce ourselves.
I even get to explain why 18/11 is so special to me.
Later on, 7 more participants and 2 sitters arrive.
Getting to know each other and having some tea to distract from the nagging belly.
We pull a card as a guide in our journey.
I pull "UNFREEDOM"
This resonates sooooo strongly.
All I could think was 'I pulled the best card!!"

We do some exercises on "feeling aura's".
Definitely not my brother's favorite kind of thing!
We install our mattresses. Don't lay next to someone you know.

Two drummers join us and setup their equipment.
We sit down for a moment of drum mediation.
This is where I go into my first little trance.
The energy from my lap shoots up on the beating of the drums and rushes thru my body outwards rising up ALL my hair in this ecstatic goose-bumps-feeling.
I love this.

Meanwhile the camp fire is been lit outside.
I love camp fires.
We sit in a circle around it. I take place facing the wind. Getting all the smoke. All the warmth.
The IMAO inhibitor is served.
We hold the glass against our heart in acceptance and love.
I feel a resistance but I'm not aware of it. Yet.
I drink it. Ad fundum. Tastes like earth. I've drank similar things in the past. No problem.

After 5 minutes the DMT potion is served.
Again, pouring love to the drink, I feel like I can't hold it close enough.
Ad fundum!
Everybody reacts in disgust.
I am reminded of the taste of my mom's nipple. Nuf said.

My brother starts puking almost immediately. He suffers. My compassion distracts me.
Anna is sitting like a pro. She looks like she is challenging The Mother.
We are now almost 5 minutes in and I realize my body is demanding my attention.
I turn inwards to console it and to reassure it...
That's when the feeling of vertigo kicks in and I start puking.
I hug myself and focus completely on my stomach and the pain.
Accepting it. Loving it. It helps...I think....
The Shaman comes over and sits next to me.
He lifts my chest with his left hand and with his right hand he touches the base of my spine. This releases the last bit of stucked puke.
It burnnnnsssss in my throat.
The taste of metal is hard to flush away with water.
I feel stable and walk inside to find my little mattress.

AHO <3

Ready.

The day flew by.
We went dancing. :)

Just another Thursday

Breakfast as usual.
Hurma for snack.
Veggies for lunch.

Spaghetti + veggies for dinner.

Salsa for dessert.

Getting impatient now...

Not only to reach the ceremony.
But also at others.
Especially that one colleague who dared to cross the line and eat my stuff.

I crucified him.
Poor guy.
Sorry.

Comforting is needed.

The nettle tea I got from my brother works like a charm.
It offers a warm comforting feeling at breakfast.

I reflect on my "intent".
The pain in my hip is demanding my attention.
So I decide to give it what it wants.
I'll go into the ceremony with the intend focussed on my pelvis and hips.

Ever heard of the muscle of the soul?

Of course we went dancing.

Speeding up.

Things start feeling 'normal' by now.
The head ache is almost gone.
The reflex of wanting to walk to the coffee machine is only kicking in once or twice.
My gut feels clean and empty.

My meat.

While preparing breakfast, I look at my Anna and I realize why I don't seem to have a problem leaving meat out of my diet.

She. Is. My. Meat.

One more week...

I realise by now that I am so addicted to my habits.
They make me feel safe.
In control.

All lies.

Buzzzz

It's been 3 days now.
And this buzzing head ache is still there.
Annoying me.
Claiming my attention.
Craving for a cup of coffee...

Not even nutts!

This diet is annoying.

I used to have some almonds as a snack.
Not anymore.
Even the almond milk had to be replaced. By oatmeal-milk.

What the f is oatmeal milk?

Oatmeal

Don't let it's name fool you.
It doesn't feel anything like a 'meal'.

The meals at the company's restaurant are not good enough anymore.

Raw veggies it is, from now on.

Don't feel like dancing.

Bitter Tuesday.

I receive that email.

The email with instructions from the ceremony center.
OMG!
No coffee??
No tiramine? What is that stuff?
Turns out it's almost in everything.

No citrus. This means you practically can eat only hurma. This is my new best friend.

Keep dancing.

Breakfast: cereal, again...
Veggie food at company's restaurant. No cheese please.

Attended Kizomba lessons.

Lazy sunday.

Breakfast, Hookah and Super Silver Haze all day long.

Dinner: Eggplant-cougette-potato stew from the day before.
Tastes even better.
 

Alla is coming!

We're expecting a friend.

She'll arrive aound 4pm.
So, sleep in till 11am, late breakfast: cereal with chocolate and almond milk.

Drove to the airport, picked her up and went to a local fair to show her the local foods, traditions etc.

We had fries and 'oliebollen'. Felt like cheating but it's all non-animal based...I think.

Went for salsa dancing!
This eggplant and courgettes soup is pure power food. :)

Act normal.

All goes well. :)

Breakfast and lunch as usual.
Prepped 3 veggie meals for the coming days because "no time to loose"...

We go dancing! :)

Here comes the veggie.

I remember the last time I tried veggies only.
It made me feel miserable: anxious, lonely and "not enough".

This time the idea doesn't frighten me.

No meat for breakfast. Just bread, honey, Nutella,
Veggie meal at work.
Eggplant stew for dinner.
No suppliment pills.

Prepping

Keep it simple: veggies only. I can do this! :)

Now, Kizomba! :)