When I experience internal turbulance...

...I do the following:

Sit alone, in the dark.
In silence or with soft Aya music.
I place a sheet of paper in front of me and I take two pencils.
One pencil in each hand.
I place them on the paper and I consider the paper to be my body.

I look 'inside' and I draw freely the sensations of my body.

Resulting in this:

You didn't expect anything spectacular, did you?

You will try to escape this excesise.
You'll start yawning and call it boring.
You'll start thinking about more 'important' things.
Etc...

Good luck and enjoy the 'scanning'
<3

Microdosing MAOI

Yes,  we are at it again...

The visuals came pretty quickly and I felt drawn into the depths of clarity, peace and love.

Only for just a moment...

Then I came back to this reality.
Ready for a good night's sleep.

Suddenly I wake up, not realising what time it is.
I have one urge: to get out of bed and go have my Lions Mane supplements. 
My mind goes "nah..." bit I'm curious so I check the time.

"Fine" I tell myself and walk down stairs...

San Pedro #1

The drink is thick green slime tasting like spices, feels like a brick on the empty stomach.

I saw a minimum if visuals. Gold and blue sparks. A silk blanket with greenish patterns.
The girl next to me, started weeping and crying. That's when I saw  black-burned mutilated face. The lips looked as if they were cut away and the bloody gums shown.
The eyes and skin were black as if burned. The pain of this creature was immense.

The 8 member group was loud and distracted me from 'myself'.
With the help of guide Mamon, I go to balance my focus back on me. I experienced absolute isolation where nothing could penetrate my shield.

Later, the group started singing. I joined them and by song 4 I feel my gut protesting and finally after 8 hours of struggle, I purge.

No bliss.
No warm loving feeling.
No spectacular visuals.

When she draws your visions...

...better than you see them yourself.

Thank you my Love <3

A year ago...

...we started our Ayahuasca journey.

Gratitude to my partner in crime, Anna.
Gratitude to the Mother.
Gratitude to the fascilitators, to the Sjamaans, to the new friends.
 
Sorry, we are still normal.

Funny how exactly on this weekend, we planned our first Huachuma ceremony while the Full Moon is in (our) Gemini.

After 1 year of focussing inwards with Aya, the Huachuma will take us outwards.

BTW: We had our first home coocked meat based meal in months and it was delicious!

Microdosing MAOI: On hold...

...due to the preparation for our Huachuma ceremony.

To be contnued...

Microdosing MAOI: day 5

I woke up yesterday hearing Anna falling down the stairs. 
Again...
The fear and panic got me so angry it took me the whole day to calm down.
Around 9pm I fell asleep but I woke up at 11pm and took a shot MAOI.
Immediately I got confronted with the pain and sorrow.
I was squeezing every tear out of my body.
No dreams.
No visuals.
Just the feeling of relief...

Microdosing MAOI: day 4

Diet: check.
Gym: check.
Empty stomach: check.
30ml MAOI: check (with some gagging resistance)

I went to bed around 10pm and woke up at 3am with only 1 desire: to get my protein shake!
While I got dressed, I saw colorful flashes around the edges of my visual.
 I drank the shake and immediately I was sent to the toilet for a N°2
I remember thinking; "Just like a baby: eating, shitting, sleeping, repeat..."

When I got back to my bed I got the visual of a metalic scroll being rolled out.
On that grey surface were written golden symbols.
"If you think I can decode, remember or even pass this information on, you are making a big mistake." I remember saying this. :)

Later the veil of peacock-like feathers with eyes appeared.
All this while I focus on my belly.
Where is that pain I was used to?
Where is this fear?
Then I realized I never felt so safe as I do now. Nothing threatens me. Except, I am my own biggest threat. I hold this horrible potion up to my lips! :)

I'll be honest, today at this point, I am exhausted.
No gym today. I need a break. :)
<3

Microdosing MAOI: day 3

Well, Goodmorning!
Went to bed on an empty stomach and 30ml MAOI.
First, two black shades swift from my right side.
Then I saw the image of this leopard.

I remembered the clip.
But what followed was no memory that I know of
I saw a big tiger.
Then I saw that black and white dog again. This was accompanied by an emotion hitting me in the belly.

After that I remember lying awake feeling my whole body tintling while focusing on my pain-of-disgust in my belly.

I had to keep my focus on my belly because every time my mind drifted of, I would get nauseous. It felt as if a little boy didn't want to be left alone.

After that I fell in a deep sleep and woke up at 4am. :)
So I got up, got me a protein shake with almond milk and settled in the couch, listening to a meditation guided clip.

Bliss :)

Microdosing MAOI: day 2

Yesterday was a hectic day.
I took the day off.
We went to gym and had a looooooong sauna around 3pm till 4:30pm, then we ate (too much) and I even drank a veggie protein shake, then we went for a dance workshop and when we returned we did a "DMT" breathing excercise.

Needless to say, I was exhausted after all that...
I drank 20ml MOAI and went to bed.
I slept like a baby.
No dreams.
At all.

Microdosing MAOI: day 1

Yesterday, I drove all the way to Amsterdam just to get 0.5l of MAOI.
And ofcourse to see and chat with my friend Bas.

I felt like I needed to experience the MAOI and just the MAOI.
I have associated this thee with pure disgust and horror.
I would like to get over that fear.

I can't seem to do it by attending to the ceremonies.
I need more time.
Also, I'd like to drink it just before going to sleep so my own DMT would get a chance to manifest to me.

So, Bas hands me over the little bottle filled with brown smudge and I instantly start gagging.
That's how much I L O V E this stuff.

So I had my last meal around 3pm and around 9pm I set myself up for a little trip.
Dimmed the lights, lit a candle and stated my intention to make space for my own DMT and dreams.
Pouring about 15ml of MOAI in a little glass and smelling the foul stench got me gagging all over again.

I held the glass close to me.
Tried over and over again to smell it.
To accept it.
I started distinguishing the smell of chocolate which gave me courage to continue.
After 30 minutes of negotiating and protesting I pour the little drink in my mouth and swallow it.
Pure horror.
I'm in tears, but it gets better.
After about 30min I feel tired and lay down.
That's when the first visual appears: A gray-green alien, just like in the movies, is watching me.
This quickly make place for a playful scene where kids and a black dog are playing.
I feel fear.
Lonelyness.
I fall asleep.

This morning, right before breakfast, I take a sniff of the bottle with MAOI.
My stomach turns upside down.
The expression "I hate your guts." flashes through my mind.
"I hate MY guts."
That's what I have learned to do a child when it comes to treating myself.
I HATE MY OWN GUTS!

Have you seen my...elephant?

Ever since my ayahuasca experience on 20th October, with Sjamaan Cesar, I've been witnessing elephants all over the place!
Cesar could not place any specific meaning to the Elephant since it is not of the South American jungle.

So, on our last 2day-retreat in Amsterdam, this elephant kept showing up in all kinds of forms and shapes.
Every time I would reach the point of purging, it's majestic presence would look me straight in the eye and...calm me down.

Here is my painting of one of them:

 

Drinking tea on the last day of fasting.

This ritual suddenly reminded me of the horrable smell of the purge.
So, I stopped drinking tea.

Just warm water will do, thank you. :)